MOLLY REISNER AND HER JOKESPLOSIONS!

Back in Blog!

2010-10-18T15:32:00.002-04:00

After reading through 3 years worth (aka 17 minutes) of postings here, I feel compelled to start posting again. Why? And to that I must fervently type, WHY NOT?

Blog, I have a secret. I miss you. I miss you like the rivers miss the rain. I miss you like my tastebuds miss cheesy nachos now that I apparently have an allergy to cow milk. So here we are. I promise to go slow this time and not overwhelm you with all my emotions and energy and excitement!!!!

Blog, I have a secret. I've never stopped loving you. Sure, I may have started and stopped another blog or two, but you were the first. The best. The one I must and will and shall return to. I promise to never stop loving you. Unless it makes more sense to start another blog elsewhere.

SO GUYS (aka self)! Heyyyyy. On a whim, I submitted to be part of New York's Funniest Stand-Up Competish. I got an audition! Now I must prepare 2 minutes of jokedy jokes. It's been fortnights upon fortnights since I've performed so there's a lot for me to do. Not expecting anything to come of it, but I'm excited/nervous to wield the mic again.

love n' panic,
molly

thursday blog blast

2009-03-05T18:02:00.004-05:00

Happy 3/5/09 people! There's absolutely nothing special about the date. DON'T READ INTO IT! I already tried. Wait, all the numbers are odd. And if you add the numbers, then double the sum, it's my age. And if today is your birthday, then it IS a special day! To you.

On a less hostile note, hi guys! can you tell i've spent the entire day A to the L to the ONE? I just polished off my signature tri-CH platter: CHips, CHeese, CHocolate. Super yums. When you spend the day by yourself, it's ok to assemble a meal made of snack foods. Right? Right!

I'm going to get my daily eighty eight year old lady walk in now that it's dark out and I've recently changed into street clothes. Time to see my boo and eat a vegetable.

Love n' superreal hugs,
molly

a smattering of my favorite foods!

2009-01-29T14:16:00.007-05:00

hey ganglies,

now that it's 2009 and all, i figure it's time to reveal some of my favorite foods. the following are food stuffs that often find their way into my paws and, subsequently, into my maw.
enjoy the variety of visuals!

and and...

and oops, i almost forgot

love,
molly "can take or leave popcorn" reisner

internet babies

2009-01-08T23:02:00.001-05:00

"I don't have any real babies in my life, but I am tracking several of them on facebook" - my roommate, Jenn.

zinger #1

2009-01-08T23:00:00.004-05:00

You know you're getting old when your message t-shirt says "Dance Like You've Never Had Knee Surgery." And you bought it at Talbots.

OVER-IT-ISTA

2009-01-07T11:20:00.002-05:00

note to copywriters:

adding the suffix 'ista' to create fake nouns is getting real tiresome. examples include recessionista, fashionista, stylista, and storagista. what is a storagista you ask? it's someone who stores stuff, probably fiercely and relentlessly. caught that one on a storage ad on the subway. here are some other uses that are bound to pop up over the next coupla months:

bankruptista - one (most likely a girl or gay man) who has found herself fiercely bankrupt.

couch surferista - one (most likely a girl or gay man) who has found herself fiercely sleeping on the couches of friends, due to recent bankruptcy.

diarrrheaista - one (most likely a girl or gay man) who has found herself in a continual state of fierce diarrhea, due to stress of current financial state, lactose intolerance or combination of the two.

temporista - one (most likely a girl or gay man) who temps, fiercely.

On a happy new year note, HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2009. HOLY CRAPPITY!! The new year fills me with equal parts excitement and dread. So much to accomplish, so much pressure to live up to goals. It's like DO OR DIE time. I aim to do. A lot. I hope you stay motivated to inch towards your dreams. Let's move (slowly) together, k?

Love,
molly "inchwormin' it to the top" reisner

back in effect

2008-11-05T21:25:00.014-05:00

hey blog-reading-eyeballs!,

sorry for the lengthy hiatus, i've been busy "living la vida molly" (sorry for being so velveeta city*). what exactly does "living la vida molly" entail? fun-keepers and secret-to-life-seekers, please adhere to the following life lesson plan listed below. follow these steps to achieve your own "living la vida [your name here]"!

DO WHAT YOU WANT, WANT WHAT YOU DO:
SHORT STEPS TO A LONGER (IN A GOOD WAY) FEELING LIFE

1.) quit your job asap.

2.) disregard the rhythms of the outside working world, it's acceptable to stay in your pjs till 3. or 4:16. or whenever you want to de-pajamize. no one has to know!

3.) to save money, consider using one of those re-usable menstrual sponges advertised in feminist magazines. after i considered it, i was like "hell to the no".** i do not want to deal with wringing that thing every coupla hours.

4.) to make money, consider donating genetic material to a loving couple on craigslist so they can create another part-you. you don't have to do it...just give it a good mull.

5.) go to the gym!! it's important to keep up your endurance!!! if you can't afford the gym, just run real fast around your apartment for 45 minutes, pretend a mouse is chasing you and scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6.) whew, got kind of exciteable up there. i'm trying hard to keep the !exclams! at bay.

7.) sorry, step #6 didn't turn out to be a real step. it was more of an apology for step #5.

8.) and we're back! to create structure to your day, write down your goals the night before on your wipeyboard. note to self: go to STAPLES!

9.) do not forgo your smoked salmon! Trader Joe's has pretty good stuff for not that much.

10.) do what you love and love what you do. that was cheesatron 3000!

11.) watch a live stream of puppies playing and slumbering for an hour every day. it's a reminder to be curious, playful and fall down sleeping whenever you get the urge.

i hope this has given you a lil' glimpse of "what it takes". good luck!

yours,
molly

*i just decided that "velveeta city" is a cheesy way to say "that's cheesy".
**i miss cracky whitney houston, where'd she run off to? bobbi brown makes me sad. he's like totally off celebrity radar!

baby pandas and dealing with loss

2008-08-15T22:25:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure about other writers and comedians, but I keep a running draft called "master notes" in trusty ol' g-mail. In it, I transcribe things I wrote hastily on receipts and napkins when a jokesplosion occurs. Well guess what I just discovered? My master notes file is gone. It's there. But the contents are gone! Goodbye awesome joke about mailing labels that I won't be able to recall exactly what it was about. Goodbye funny quip about I don't even know what because IT'S GONE. I'm taking this as a sign that it's time to start anew. Release the old stuff and reinvent. Because anything worthwhile remembering I'll remember, right? Right.

Like the ever playful baby panda, I must keep on rollin' (with a matching black and white ball on a grassy lawn.)

funny quote i needed to write down.

2008-07-08T22:45:00.004-04:00

"I can't eat food that glistens"
-my mom at a vegan Chinese restaurant upon seeing her faux-meat dish

2008-06-30T11:35:00.001-04:00

Sometimes when I need a third opinion, I listen to the voice inside the voice inside my head.

what time is it?

2008-06-30T11:31:00.002-04:00

I noticed a couple minute disparity between my computer clock and my cel phone clock AND the clock at the laundry shack, which begs the question... WHAT TIME IS IT? Click the link for official government (creepy) time!

happy last day o' june,
molly

takin' me back to '83

2008-06-27T19:21:00.004-04:00

I am a drugstore junkie. As a little girl, I wandered the aisles of Woolworth inspecting all manner of pen, candy and trapper keeper folder with the same delight I have today at the CVS. But nothing compares to ol' Woolworth - they had an IN-STORE DINER!!! after a tough half hour of binge-browsing the goods I would saddle up to the counter and order a hot dog, fries and a coke (with crushed ice). YUM and YUM. So, to my surprise, I recently discovered Woolworth is alive in Germany (I took this pic in Nuremberg, home of weird Woolworths among other historical sights). But like most things that go international, it's not the same store. Yes, German Woolworths are stuffed with cheap goods. Yes, the sign looks familiar. But the spirit is gone! And if you don't have spirit then you don't get my hot dog money.

love,

molly

US Weekly Weekly Ep. 2!

2008-06-01T23:41:00.001-04:00

We turned the light on for this one. Enjoystickles!

sincerely,
molly

bald celebrities no one would miss but will be on tv until the end of time.

2008-05-27T01:15:00.005-04:00

meet howie! bald, tanned, skeevy soul patch. poor howie has gone through so many bad suits in his life. please don't start a celebrity endorsed suit line howie! omg, what if he does? he probably has a deal already with macy's.

i'm not sure if joey's shirt is part of some western costume look or if he's wearing it genuinely. what causes more disturbance is his muscly crafted chest bursting out of his stretchy to the navel shirt. and i can't even talk about the choker. this is not the lovable floppy haired joey i remember from blossom.

Something to Chew On:
Is Joey Lawrence my generation's Howie Mandel? When I'm 53, Joey is going to be hosting some insane game show botoxed out of his mind.*

Who's with me?

xo
molly

*will Tivo

New series! Us Weekly Weekly.

2008-05-23T02:09:00.003-04:00

I have lots of feelings about Us Weekly Magazine. Here are some of them!

phrase change alert!

2008-05-10T22:55:00.004-04:00

instead of saying "hey, i'm gonna go home", try "hey, i'm gonna fly back to my nest."

let me know how it goes!

love,
molly "urban phrase changer/trendsetter of words strung together" reisner

p.s. please start using this phrase asap.

it's true! #34

2008-05-07T00:28:00.003-04:00

welcome to "it's true!", a new series where i let you in on a little something that is totally true.

and here we go...!

ready?

ok.

one sec...

aaaaah, perfect!

it's true! #34:

you know what feels exactly like winning the lottery?

winning the lottery.

love,
molly

p.s. the first 33 "it's true"s are all insane arithmetic equations aka 3+5-3=5. i spared you reading about them.

on my mind #6,982

2008-03-20T11:27:00.002-04:00

living in bustling nyc, i think it's important to stop and smell the laundry exhaust. mmmmm! i love laundry smoke! it's such a homey smell, especially appreciated when you're walking down a dank, wet street. is that tide mixed with a sheet of bounce i smell? YES IT IS!

so frickin' yummy

2008-03-02T22:02:00.004-05:00

I CAN'T TAKE IT! if i could marry a food, it would be nachos. if i could have an affair, it would be with these little nugget buggers. ANDES CANDIES!!!! they've wormed their shiny green wrappers into my hands, and into my heart. and into my squishers (aka love handles). got a box of these last week, can't seem to eat less than seven at a pop. they're so GD good. minty mint chocolate, mmmmmm! my only gripe is that they don't make them bigger. it's 2008! can't they manufacture a normal candy bar size already? then i'd only have to unwrap one much larger shiny green wrapper, instead of seven. i used to eat these when i was little too, man, andes and i go way back. i love memory foods. and i love creating new memories involving food. food + molly = being alive and ENJOYING it. i know i sound crazed in this post, that's what food love does to me.

peace n' andes n' nachos,

molly

kmart/astor place fantasy

2008-03-02T21:37:00.003-05:00

i was in the kmart today wishing i was in target.

but guys, kmart's trying! their aisles teem with martha stewart goods - periwinkle towels, shell soap holders, linen napkins. but let's face it. martha ain't no isaac (mizrahi). they even had a DVF (diane von furstenburg) like dress in their women's clothing area, but it made me sad. like in 6th grade when debbie wore a coca-cola branded rugby shirt instead of the uber-fashionable blue or green benetton rugby. i'm not proud to say that my friends and i snickered at her rugby. we snickered hard. back to 2008. to sum up, the kmart dress was like a knock off of target's DVF knock-offs. kmart's just not cool enough to have a straight up knock-off of DVF, but they're trying! and the trying is what saddens me, but that's my own issue. i left kmart with 2 sets of martha stewart pillowcases (200 count, y'all! but who's counting? HA HA!) and increased american pride at having shopped at an old-school retailer trying to remain relevant in these target-heady times.

thanks for reading if you read this which i guess you did if you're reading this!

love,
crazy aunt molly

2008 - Reflections!

2008-01-25T13:09:00.000-05:00

As I look back on 2008, I can't help but feel nostalgic for all the memories I've accrued this year. Spending time with loved ones and perfecting my hard-boiled egg to name two! Time feels so compressed, do you know what I mean? It's weird, but New Year's eve feels like it was only 25 days ago! In my last post, I made some pretty big resolutions, and I can safely say I've moderately achieved at most one to two. There's not much time left in the year, but I do hope to keep my eye on the ball and really nail some of the harder goals I've set for myself. For me, personally, 2008 has been about reaching, reaching and REACHING some more! Thank goodess my arms are long!!! And THANK YOU, Dear Reader, for "filling up my tank" with your energy and wisdom (which I can only guess at as you are not very forthcoming comment leavers!).

Here's to a wonderful homestretch for 2008!

love and i'm rooting for you,
molly

2007-12-27T15:42:00.000-05:00

hey gang! (hey me!) i'm headed to deutscheland aka germany aka land of few jews tonight! excited to increase the jewish population in the town i'll be visiting, augsburg. it's going to be absolutely freezing there, so am looking forward to warming up with lots of delicious pints. a happy new year to you, dearest reader! some '08 rezzies from the top of my head without really thinking too much about them:

1) finish screenplay and make sure it makes sense
2) continue to enjoy nachos, and cheese in general
3) cut down on dilly-dallying but ok to dilly-dally a little
4) advance to hard on guitar hero
5) write more jokes

i've got like 47 more probably but this is a good start, right? right!

love ya,
mol

2007-12-25T17:53:00.000-05:00

it is disconcerting to switch seats on the plane because of balance concerns.

e-mail to the sun

2007-12-16T01:32:00.000-05:00

dear sun,

how are you? i haven't seen you in awhile and just wanted to check in to make sure everything's alright. i heard through matt you've been chilling at home a lot. you have got to come out tomorrow dude! the gang misses you. sure, a couple people were pissed this summer when things got intense with your rays. but everyone's cool now (except for dave, but he's a douche). ANYWAY, i don't want to beg or nothing like that. any time you are in the mood to hang, party, whatevs - i am game. god, i miss you. i miss the way you dapple my face. i miss those crazy shadows you make. but most of all, i miss your irrepressible cheer.

love,
molly

p.s. call me when u get this

new phrase alert!!

2007-12-14T15:13:00.000-05:00

just decided (like 4 minutes ago, it's so fresh!!) to start saying "i have the milds" for guys i sorta like who aren't that cute. so far no one falls into this category but i'm itchin' to get a lo-grade crush! just so i can honestly use this newly minted phrase. i guess you could also say "i have the mediums" but i dig the word mild better, i think. hmmmm, now i'm on the fence - milds or mediums? PANEL DISCUSH! what do you think, dear reader?

a hearty and healthy shabbat shalom to my jewish readers!

love,
molly "divisive shout-out" reisner

no one cares about this but yours trules...

2007-12-06T20:16:00.000-05:00

i went to TEKSERVE today to drop off my drool-infested macbook. maybe i need to get out of the 718 more, every time i head into "the city" these days it feels like a large journey. i pack beef jerky. a peanut butter granola bar. and a canister of water! it's 1843! not to get off topic but where can I purchase a big-wheeled covered wagon?

So I'm at TEKSERVE. They are so honest there. As soon as I get in the door, the gentleman who hands out tickets alerts me it's going take at least 45 mins. I got time. Because I don't work in an office anymore! I'm waiting and waiting, crack open a book and read intently but am secretly waiting and then at times overtly eavesdropping...and then I wait some more. I see two cute shaggy guys who emit this really friendly aura. We keep making eye contact and they seem stoned. One of them says "Should we get Rick?". I casually look around and see:Sweeet! It's Ric!!! Ric Ocasek. He looks exactly like this, except a little older. Dangling earring, black jeans, black shaggy/spiky hair, sunglasses. He is so frigging cool. The Cars rock. Ric shambled around the store, waiting with all of us waiters. He was toting a black computer, natch.

I dedicate your lyrics to you Ric - and to those 2 friendly cute guys who are Ric's posse.
And to the staff at TEKSERVE. Thanks for not making me feel embarassed for drooling into my spacebar:

who's gonna tell you when

it's too late

who's gonna tell you things

aren't so great

you can't go on

thinking nothing's wrong

who's gonna drive you home tonight


who's gonna pick you up

when you fall

who's gonna hang it up

when you call

who's gonna pay attention

to your dreams

who's gonna plug their ears

when you scream


you can't go on

thinking nothing's wrong

who's gonna drive you home tonight


who's gonna hold you down

when you shake

who's gonna come around

when you break

love,
molly

tip #9,074

2007-12-03T01:53:00.000-05:00

When you're brushing your teeth whilst hovering over laptop, and a little bit of toothpaste drool escapes from your gaping mouth and seeps into your spacebar and you don't think too much about it...THINK TOO MUCH ABOUT IT! I ruined my keyboard in a similar (exact) fashion.

In other words:

Drool + Keyboard = A funny moment that later turns into several moments of self-loathing and despair followed by an uncomfortable call to Tekserve topped off by a prayer to G-d to please fix spacebar and y,h,n letters and the +/= button too.

There is a part of me that hopes G-d is reading my blog. Like, for reals.
Sweet dreams,
molly

cute bordering on i can't take it

2007-11-13T12:12:00.000-05:00

i can't tell if these kittens were sedated so they'd stay in their mugs or WHAT but i think the photogs truly captured the essence of what makes kittens so GD adorable! GRRRYAYAYYAAAWWWWWW!!!

i 'm going to cafe press the shit outta this. kittens in mugs ON A MUG! check back soon for product links.

info on my burgeoning career!

2007-11-09T22:39:00.000-05:00

Do you know why my hands need to stay looking young or at least moisturized? Because i am inching my way up the hand model industry pole! i haven't formally announced anything yet because it's still all new, but i am breaking into the biz...i guess my hands are unstoppable!

shall we take a look? let's! my most lucrative hand modeling gig to date! photo still used in razr cell phone tv spot.

hands/head shot - now, most hands models don't usually have this kind of pic (including the face) , they usually just do the hands. a lot of clients really just like my kooky look, i guess!

thumb photo- will be used in a sign language photo-instructional manual. it's a one-gesture joke amongst many sign language users. the above photo means, "i wish you could hear me, because my hands are getting tired!" in sign language.

sideview, spreaded fingers - hand will be photoshopped into a TGIFridays print ad for their new item, "Curiously Lumpy But I'll Eat 'Em Anyway Chicken Littles". It will look like I'm grabbing for a handful of delicious TGIF food!

and lastly, the "headshot" for my hands.

So, if next time you see me and my paws are encased in lotion-lined gloves, please don't be po'd if i can't take my gloves off during dinners out. my hands now need to be in a constant state of lotion-absorption. it's crazy! but i do it.

thanks for sharing my interest in my new career,
love,
molly

b-washed by the googs

2007-11-06T00:29:00.000-05:00

i think i'm spending too much time ADD'ing out on the internet. whenever a question pops into my brain that i can't answer on my own (which is most of the time), i lunge towards google. so now, when i'm in a real conversation with someone, like face2face, and they ask me something...i literally fake google the query into a search box in my brain. the problem with this method is...no links. nothin' comes up.

just a lone image of nachos, circa 1986:

2007-10-29T19:40:00.000-04:00

a convincing lie is to tell someone you are a model for hair dye boxes. these are some ways to make it believable:

1) KNOW YOUR BRANDS - don't mix-up your garniers with your clairols with your loreals. look smart!

2) KNOW THE NAME OF THE DYE YOU MODELED - is it chardonnay or ginger ale? be sure.

3)IF YOU GET CAUGHT - act like you were joking the whole time. besides, who lies about being a hair dye box model?

tip #3,689

2007-10-15T18:24:00.001-04:00

next time you eat beets, put a post-it note on the bathroom mirror that says "you ate beets!" when you pee pink, just refer to post-it for reason.

2007-10-04T22:00:00.000-04:00

FOLKS! hey. what is UP? lay it on me. GUYS!!! i'm back in town. i was away for a coupla weeks, speeding in a gold ford taurus up the west coast of america. may i share some moments?

you'll have to crane your neck a bit to catch this doozy! i found this outfit to be the coziest for driving 1,700 miles. wore it every other day.

just turn your monitor on its side to get a lookie at this elegant toilette at the famous madonna inn, just a couple miles south of san luis obispo! google madonna inn to check out their nutty rooms! sorry, links are hard for me.

lisa and molly in front of wads of ABC gum in BUBBLEGUM ALLEY! in the heart of san luis obispo. that alley was so goofy and wacky yet loveable too.

the views along big sur were SICK! they were so sweet. ohmaga! seriously, if you're ever feeling like there is no beauty left in the world, go to big sur and sture. i mean, stare.

another monitor-turner. the mind boggles and the heart quickens when around the magnificent redwoods. i found the r-woods to be magical and slightly creepy.

and that concludes my slideshow! lots of other photos were taken, as well. apologies for my circa 1874 blogging skills. it's cool to be back in the 718, but i do miss the freedom of the open road, as experienced inside my gold ford taurus rental, with gps system. i'll be back west coast! oh yes.

love n' fluff n' nutters,

molly

total update

2007-08-28T23:37:00.000-04:00

greetings readershipmates! sorry it's been so long - there have been lots of changes in ol' molly's L.I.F.E. above is a photo from a celebratory solo dance I partook in on my birthday, whereby I danced very sensually, alone, in front of a mirror. It was an intense and private moment, which I thought I would share with you. Also, I quit my job and will be spending most of my free time blogging for this site. Just kidding! I did quit my job though, which is totally weird and freakcrazy, but as humans sometimes say "IT'S ALL GOOD." Really, it is, for now.

love,
molly "where my cube at?" reisner

slowly turning into a '78 muppet

2007-08-06T20:53:00.001-04:00

too shaggy?

2007-07-24T15:48:00.000-04:00

used to looove wearing these n-gowns when i was a little girl. just found out they come in adult sizes too, which depresses me. should be getting mine in a couple days!

self-portraits

2007-07-21T17:27:00.001-04:00

picture booth + molly =each and every tuesday night from 8pm-12am.
is that vain?

a tale of two cities, with the same high profile name

2007-07-13T01:22:00.001-04:00

after yahoo'ing (i yahoo when i want to be retro-search-engine-ing) the weather in chicago, yahoo asked me if i meant chicago, illinois or chicago, wisconsin. and i was all "yahoo! of course, illinois." which then spurred a yahoo weather search of all major u.s. cities - how many new yorks are there? well, one if you ask me. TEN if you ask yahoo. does anyone really want to know the temperature in new york, georgia? i guess the people who live there do. i'd like to rename all the los angeles, texases and cleveland, tennessee's out there. i'm embarassed for these towns. they must feel so overshadowed.

this was a weird topic, but thanks for sticking through readership!

(the real )windy city bound,
molly

4 de julio

2007-07-09T11:37:00.001-04:00

this is what automatically happens when you put Britney's "Hit Me Baby" on the ipod.

indoor fireworks

2007-07-05T10:52:00.001-04:00

Hope everyone had a BLAST on July 4th!!! The above picture was taken last night from inside my living room. I bought some f-works from 'South of the Border' during my Teen Tour back in '87, and decided to finally test them out in my apartment. Pretty beautiful, right? I'm a little 3rd degree burned but totally worth it.

love,
molly

uh oh guys, it's...

2007-06-23T18:49:00.001-04:00

INSTIGATING AWKWARD MOMENTS NIGHT!!

Tonight I plan to make one or more people slightly uncomfortable with a delicate combination of invasive questioning and aggressive humor. I can't wait!

my new pick-up line!

2007-06-23T18:33:00.000-04:00

"Do you want to head back to my place and fill out my dress with a baby?"

This only works if your'e wearing one of those maternity-lite dresses that make you wonder if she is or isn't "you know what".

potpourri sentence of the day

2007-06-21T00:42:00.000-04:00

My roomate Jenn said the best sentence of the day:

"The old chinese man seemed very concerned that I didn't have a napkin"

it was a real "you had to be there moment".

'night,
molly

mtv spot y'all

2007-06-20T20:24:00.000-04:00

Watch the re-cut version of Vagina Etiquette on MTV's Short Cirtcuitz show Thursday, June 21 @ 10:30pm on your TV! It's also here.

love,
molly "keepin' it proper" reisner

please don't wear message shirts that make me sad for you

2007-06-14T22:24:00.001-04:00

i saw a girl on the train today wearing a shirt that said "overexposed" and i was like "are you? because i've never seen your face before."

other message t-shirts that are depressing:

- i survived the holocaust!
- homeless people do it better.
- ithaca is gorges.

happy thursday fanbase! and a special shout-out to my manbase (my male fans i can only assume i have. hi dad!)

british lurrrrve,
molly

a complete lie or failure to achieve goal OR a pretty funny joke if intended as such - click on me

2007-06-13T22:43:00.000-04:00

your lucky june 13th awaits you in the below triple post!

2007-06-13T21:37:00.000-04:00

so guys - this is my 3rd post today. I'VE NEVER POSTED THIS MUCH IN MY LIFE! if you're an avid mollyreisner.blogspot reader such as myself, then you understand that blogging happens so preciously little. i've decided to give my readers a gift today...enjoy .

all my love (though i don't have that much to give),
molly

it's time for real time thoughts! that just happened! like, now!!

2007-06-13T21:34:00.000-04:00

guys,

i just took a big whiff of my hair and stated to my living room "I'm glad I'm clean!"

is that weird?

be honest...i can take it. in small amounts.

love n' stuff,
molly

TATER POTS!

2007-06-13T13:40:00.001-04:00

tater pots!
tater pots!
perfect for growing your favorite herb.
tater pots!
tater pots!

the tater pot with that "you know what I'M growing" wink is my favorite. Yeah, i KNOW what you're growin' tater! it looks like basil or maybe mint.

the tater pot with the open smile just diarreahed and feels incredible relief!

and the tater pot with the yellow legs is depressed but trying to be brave.

tater pots!
tater pots!
let's be friends.

love,
molly

reluctant gum-giving: a photo series

2007-06-10T22:23:00.001-04:00

these are all the various stages of reluctance i go through when i give away my last piece of gum. i try to keep it to myself.

new website!!

2007-05-24T17:16:00.000-04:00

if you're like me, A BLUE SKY THINKER, you probably have a running list of amazing ideas such as figuring out a way to make your favorite foods float around you at all times.

if you're like me, SOMEONE WITH MEDIOCRE TO POOR FOLLOW-THROUGH, then you probably don't do much to make those ideas a reality.

So check out my new website: www.someoneelsedothis.com where I will post my ideas for a productive person to seize upon! Problem is I need someone else to create this website for me.

an open letter to honeybees (everywhere)

2007-05-06T13:54:00.000-04:00

dear honeybees,

where ya at? i read on the cnn.com that you guys are playing a global game of "we're disappearing at an alarmingly rapid rate with no explanation why."

come back! we need you. and not just for the selfish reasons of wanting you to pollinate flowers and plants so we can continue eating:

HONEY

FRUIT IN GENERAL

ALL KINDS O' NUTS

we miss your "can-do" personality that subsequently allows us to eat apples, nuts, avocados, soybeans, asparagus, broccoli, celery, squash, cucumbers, citrus fruit, peaches, kiwi, cherries, blueberries, cranberries, strawberries, cantaloupe and other melons.

we love you honeybees! you're a true talent, especially at the "providing food for humans" thang! we will never take you for granted again (until we find a way to create these foods without your help.)

we've organized a welcome back pollinating party for when you return! free honeybee-sized ipods for you too! music really helps the honeybee work-a-day go much faster.

also, no need to be embarrassed about your sudden disappearance. if it was a heroine bender or whatever, we are here for YOU!

much love and need,

molly

april 17 - the highs and the lows

2007-04-18T00:38:00.000-04:00

i'm not even gonna introduce it. oh no! i think i just did.

oh heckles be jeckles! let me get a little more formal then ...

(violently clears throat)

ladies and gentlegayfolk,

here below it is my pleasure to share with you the below record-breaking all-time best and worst moments of my day.

BEST: having a liberating "i can change my life if i want to!" kind of feeling for a couple hours in a row

WORST: being paralyzed by a "I can change my life if i want to." kind of feeling for a couple hours in a row

sweet dreams readership!

molly

guess who's blowing into town?

2007-04-15T11:08:00.000-04:00

my old buddy- THE NOR'EASTER!!!!

is anyone scared?

don't be. Nor'Easter might lift up your body and slam it into a tree, but she doesn't mean it.

Nooooooooooooooooor'Easter!

No-no-don't-blow-me-into-a-treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

if you are frightened by Nor'Easter I've set up a shelter at my home. Provisions include:

Guitar Hero (2 player)
Homeade popcorn
A viewing of Britney Spears' debut film, Crossroads
Minute by minute updates of Noreastie
Spotty internet access
A viewing of Britney Spears last HBO special
Pure fear
Dancing

Come!

love,
molly

2007-03-30T11:51:00.000-04:00

Breaking News...guess who won Guitar Hero II on MEDIUM!?!?!?!?!

Thanks.

It was a harrowing, passionate rendition of Free Bird that launched me into Guitar Hero status. Now I can legitimately offer guitar (hero) lessons if I'm ever down n' out!

it's march 20th!

2007-03-20T23:31:00.000-04:00

it's so hard to find up to the minute celeb news. between tmz, perez and pink - i just don't feel like i'm covering all my bases. thank g-d i subscribe to us weekly!

best moment today: eating 2 desserts, both chocolate, spaced about 2 hours apart

worst moment today: hmmm...it was a really good day. maybe...nope. okay, if i HAD to pick one then it'd be putting my cat to sleep.

night!

love,
me (aka molldred (my full name) )

no events scheduled

2007-03-09T00:09:00.000-05:00

hey fans,

it's kinda lame i have no shows booked. if you miss my jokes, i've started a 1-900 number where you can here me LIVE tell you a special joke. Choose from such topics as:

dating
work
pillows suffocating you
being jewish
weed
the alphabet...AND SO MUCH MORE!

1-900-mol-jokes. It's 24 hugs a minute. You have to hug me (like you mean it) 24 times for every 60 seconds of joke telling I deliver. I want to hear my special 1-900 phone ding-a-ling!

yours,
molly

3,000 visitors!!!!

2007-03-09T00:06:00.000-05:00

So my sitemeter says I am 2 people away from having 3k visitors to ye olde blog. WOW!!!!*

keep on readin',
love not luv,
molly

*2800 are from me

guitar heroine

2007-03-04T22:35:00.000-05:00

Hey Gang,

If you are having trouble getting a hold of me, it's because I have this really big gig in Detroit Rock City and need to practice a sh*tload.

Peace,
Judy Nails

Seriously, guys, I am turning into a 13 yo boy. I bought a PS2 just for guitar hero. No jo-joke.

upside: My air guitar is so on point these days as a result.
downside: nothing forseeable. maybe the streaming fretboard of colored notes constantly running through my mind as I try to fall asleep. A smidge of carpal tunnels.

tags: woodwork, coming out of, secret, love, molly, terrorists

2007-02-13T18:45:00.000-05:00

if you are scared to let me know you are harboring a deep, secret crush on me - i just wanted to take the time to let you know that it's cool and if you are feeling shy or whatever - that's cool but i would love to know who you are...and you know who you are...and v-day is right around the corner and wouldn't this be the perf time to reveal your paralyzing, soul-obsessed crush on yours truly? seriously, feel free to e-mail with the blow-by-blow account of how much you adore me and i promise a personal response.

is it weird to constantly refer to oneself as "yours truly"?

for those of you who are harboring terrorists and NOT secret crushes on Yours Truly, please do not fill me in on the specifics.

if you are harboring both - let's talk.

love YOU...

maybe.....?

mol

p.s. see above for what i look like in case you forgot

let 'em know where you stand

2007-01-26T10:44:00.000-05:00

above please find the latest pattern from Vans. are you pro-leaf pattern or anti? don't believe all those jokers who say this is the gateway shoe. i might need to get a pair, ya know, for the weekend.

2007-01-04T15:42:00.000-05:00

I wish Trader Joe's was like an old-timey trading post where you could bring in anything for a trade. Below are some comparable trades:

1 Gin Blossom's CD (unscratched!!) = bag of TJ walnuts
4 batik wall hangings (circa 1995) = bar of tea tree oil soap
1 J. Crew hunter green anorak (circa 1988) = bottle of TJ special reserve merlot

or I guess I could just donate the stuff.

champagne and my secret life

2007-01-01T22:52:00.000-05:00

Last night after seeing amazing, epiphany inducing new years eve fireworks (see below entry), my pals and I uncorked a big one - champagne bottle that is...hee hee (don't know why i'm hee hee'ing but it feels appropriate)...and WE DRANK RIGHT THERE ON THE SIDEWALK!!!! They don't call us "Brooklyn's Baddest Champagne Club" for no reason. New Years Eve is our night to shine, dammit. We passed a $400 bottle amongst each other during a fierce round of "who ever stops taking sips has to leave the circle". Then we heard gunfire* and decided to take Champagne Club** indoors.

*most likely fireworks, mom and dad.
** we're really more like a gang. the gunfire came from our rivals, Port Authority (a group of port*** lovers).
*** port is like a heavy kind of wine. i tried it in Portugal once, and i think I liked it. But then again, I haven't had it since. So maybe I didn't like it. This is a fascinating mystery!

new years eve fireworks - spectacular light show or cruel reminder of how lackluster own year has been?

2007-01-01T22:40:00.000-05:00

a little bit of both, a little bit of both.

2006-12-22T01:17:00.000-05:00

so i just found out something crazy...i have 2 wombs! like this woman.

i really don't. 2 wombs is like, i don't know, 1 womb too many. seriously, 2 wombs is like alien creepy.

2006-12-21T19:14:00.000-05:00

something really interesting just happened to me but i can't tell you now. next time i see you, remind me tell you, k?

2006-12-21T19:08:00.000-05:00

you know what's really cool?! chairs with wheels. imagine having a whole room with furniture on wheels. you could rearrange entire layouts, in seconds!

today i feel like this.

2006-12-19T14:24:00.000-05:00

a slender boiled hot dog, nestled in its bun. speechless. restless.
(googly) eyes always open.

*photo by david shrigley

Potpourri Thoughts #34

2006-12-06T14:33:00.000-05:00

FYI: When you Google Image gibbons, Leeza Gibbons comes up on the first page.

Every now and again I thank god my organs are inside my body.

Vagina Etiquette for Starlets

2006-12-04T13:53:00.001-05:00

Check out my new DVD!

hey you...

2006-11-25T23:07:00.000-05:00

miss you...and i'm sorry for being such a horrible domain owner.

some thoughts:

-Our president pardons more turkeys during Thanksgiving than humans with a death sentence.

- I feel like I never see polka dots anymore.

-Did He-Man take steroids? plus...I miss Orko.

more tk next month!

WM/BM as of 6:03 PM

2006-10-27T18:00:00.000-04:00

Worst Moment SO FAR: dealing with unruly bangs
Best Moment SO FAR: nailing the Roger Rabbit during self-imposed 'dance practice' *

*every now and then i go over my dance moves to make sure i still "have it".

HAPPY HALLOWEEN READERSHIP!

BE CONFIDENT IN YOUR COSTUME CHOICE...

IT'S UP TO YOU TO REALLY "SELL IT"!!!!!

WM/BM

2006-10-26T19:23:00.000-04:00

for October 25, 2006:

Worst Moment: waking up in the middle of the night with a real itchy throat
Best Moment: qualuudes. jk, a tiny speedball. JK - falling asleep to the Jon Lovitz classic 'High School High'!

Worst Moment/Best Moment

2006-10-25T16:45:00.000-04:00

Hi Gang/Self,

I am going to be doing a recurring feature here called Worst Moment/Best Moment. The purpose is to recount both the ultimate peak and lowest valley (aka zenith and nadir) of each day.

I'm trying to slow down time.

Capture...reflect...RECORD!

Enjoy. Be inspired.

OCTOBER 24TH, 2006:

WORST MOMENT: Hands down, diarrhea.
BEST MOMENT: Diarrhea. JK - finding a bathroom.

show stopper!

2006-10-19T14:31:00.000-04:00

does she look familiar? hmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmm?

who: a girl with showgirl dreams and hot pink on her side. aka me at age 10
what: jazz dance recital photo
when: circa 1984
why: to commemorate my year long effort at becoming a beginner jazz student
why important: i fucked up all the moves in the actual recital

this bugs me.

2006-10-07T18:23:00.000-04:00

was it necessary to anthropomorphize m&ms?

jokesplosion #539

2006-10-07T18:19:00.000-04:00

what time is it when you're always impatient?

NOW O' CLOCK!

Trendiest Food Right Now

2006-09-21T15:33:00.000-04:00

SPINACH! If you haven't heard, spinach is the hottest salad green to be eating this week. Going home this weekend for the Jewish New Year, that's Rosh Hashana to most, or That Holiday Where You Eat Apples N' Honey for some OR Time To Get Bored in Temple.

Anyway, mom's cookin' up several dishes per my request:

Kosher Chicken Spinach Roll-ups
Gefilte Spinach Fish
Egg Drop Soup with Bits O' Spinach

MMMmmmmMMMMMMM!!!

On a more serious note, I feel bad for Spinach. E. Coli can really ruin a food group.

stay strong - without eating spinach - it's hard, ask Popeye - but just try - for me...

x to the o,

molls-'pinach - reisner

tip #48

2006-09-20T10:55:00.000-04:00

If you're carrying a banana in one hand and see somebody on the street who you want to call you - use the BANANA to gesture "Call Me!" instead of your free hand. It just adds that extra (and much needed) layer of humor to the situation.

SO...

2006-09-16T12:18:00.000-04:00

I just cleaned out a bag I use all the time, and discovered half a cashew at the bottom. Makes me think how long have I've been givin' this cashew a free ride. Couple weeks? 4 months? Busted, cashew, totally busted.

Stoner Thought #1001

2006-08-23T16:29:00.000-04:00

You know you're stoned when you go on your local aquarium's website and you're like, "Omigod! A whole F.A.Q. page about the ocean!!!"

thinkin' about g'raffes

2006-08-22T22:56:00.000-04:00

Is it me, or do giraffe's have antennaes?

2006-08-06T22:40:00.000-04:00

haven't seen abraham lincoln in the tabs lately. wonder what's goin' on with him. dittos for alan thicke and meredith baxter birney.

occupational thoughts

2006-08-06T22:32:00.000-04:00

During the the height of feminism, i wonder if women who hauled garbage used to get up in arms over what they were called. No, we're garbagewomen, right ladies? actually, i've never seen a garbagewoman! but i have seen a postwoman.

question for the panel

2006-08-02T17:40:00.000-04:00

Is Godzilla pronounced "Godzeeeya" in Spanish?

2006-07-16T19:36:00.000-04:00

when it's raining out, I like to take a shower... so I can be one with nature.

2006-07-16T19:33:00.000-04:00

i like to overhear conversations. especially the ones i have with myself.

I'm embarassed to say...

2006-06-27T23:45:00.000-04:00

tonight I ate Buffalo Chicken Poppers at TGIF.

Alone.

Please, don't ask! NO!

Okaaayyyy...well, I was walking along 5th avenue in the E. 50's en route to a really cool show by a British comedian Daniel Kitson. It's called Stories for the Wobbly-Hearted and he crafts these tales of loneliness and humanity and humor that are quite compelling.

Anyway, back to the Poppers. As I walked towards TGIF, I thought "hmmm, maybe it's not so bad. It's been awhile, after all." Then I pass the door, changing my mind - there must be a better option in this tony neighborhood. THEN, i turn on my heels, partially out of hunger - mostly out of curiousity - and confidently find myself at a red and white striped table for two, alone.

TG there were no balloons tied to my chair! There were red and white balloons tied to other chairs to create that "random, festive" look.

The menu is long and includes many visuals which only help make me decide what not to get. Some of the menu items are crossed out with a sticker on them saying "Forced into early retirement".

Huh?

It's true.

I guess it's TGIF's attempt at a sense of humor.

Long story longer - I go with the Poppers at a mere $9.99. TG I didn't get the Chicken Strips - that was a cool $14.35. When did this place get so pricey. I mean it! The place was PACKED.

After I left I felt pretty good. Now I know I never need to eat there again. Curiousity satisfied, stomach hurts.

Good PopperNight,

molly

when everything reminds you of someone

2006-06-27T00:02:00.000-04:00

ever have one of those days, ya know - THOSE DAYS - when you go outside and all you see are reminders of someone you used to like? ok, so get this - i used to (ya know - USED TO) like this guy and we went out on some dates. ya know - DATES.

so the other day...[pause, look around suspiciously], i go outside [lower voice as if telling a secret] and it's like the world is conspiring to REMIND me, nay, BEG of me to recall a certain someone i'd rather delete from my memory.

for instance:

on one of our dates, we got pizza.

today, i went for a walk, and saw like 14 people eating pizza.

ok, molly, i say to myself. that's a little weird.

then i overhear some dude talking about his band.

okaaayyyy, weird because he loved music.

and the kicker? i'm about to walk in my apartment when i run into him!

or at least i thought it was him - turn out it was another guy with a similar looking t-shirt he used to wear.

man, i think somebody upstairs is trying to tell me something.

practical wishes

2006-06-20T22:57:00.000-04:00

i've always been a wisher. 11:11 - i'm on it! birthday candles - done. i even make my own wishes for other people's birthday candles.

but lately...

i don't know.........

i just feel that my wishes are taking too long to come true.

true love?
world peace?
free nachos?

so now i make wishes for things i have total control over! like, in the morning, i'll be getting ready and i'll be like "Dear G-d, please make it so I wear my favorite jeans today. i mean it!!!!!"

WISH COMPLETE.

you should try it sometime. it's not that satisfying.

i can't explain it but...

2006-06-11T22:01:00.000-04:00

right now i feel like a washed up ceramics teacher.

or maybe a down n' out millionaire?

i dunno, you tell me how i feel. It might be more accurate!

hair goals

2006-06-11T02:46:00.000-04:00

The sad thing is, I have more defined long-term goals for my hair (growing out bangs) then for my life (not sure what's going on).

ending post rampage riiiiiiight...now!

goodnight,
molly

sureally long previews

2006-06-11T02:37:00.000-04:00

yesterday i saw a move called "The Breakup". It starred two indie actors, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. I think they're on the verge of breaking out into mainstream stuff pretty soon, based on lots of factors and variables I won't bore you with right now. But before this hidden gem of a movie began, there was the longest preview I ever saw.

How long was it?

Well, it was so long, that for about 7 minutes into it, I was convinced we walked into the wrong movie. There was no clue whatsoever, no climactic music hinting at the peak of the scene, that led you to believe you were watching anything other than the beginning of a full length movie. It was disturbing. My friend was clueless too. I was about to walk out of the theater and query the ticket taker, when finally the voice over guy gave relief. BTW, the preview was for "The Devil Wears Prada" which I no longer want to see based on the preview.

Also, "The Break-up" was pretty bad, but not so terrible that you wouldn't tell your friends not to Netflix it. Jen and Vince aren't a convincing a couple as, say, I don't know, BRAD AND ANGIE?!?!?!?!?!

My motto for life...

2006-06-11T02:36:00.000-04:00

LIVE IT!

my current fave expresh

2006-06-08T00:19:00.000-04:00

is:

"stop harshing on my mellow"

i've been using it lately with just a smidge of abandon*.

*i just had to google the phrase "with abandon" and "without abandon" to determine which one meant what**

** early alzheimer's

tomorrow's plan

2006-05-31T23:24:00.000-04:00

hey guys,

so tomorrow (DO NOT STOP ME!!!) i plan on going to the gym after work. i'm going to go to the gym, yeppers! i'm not just saying it, either. watch out ELLIPTICAL machine - i'm gonna ride you so hard for like 20-35 minutes tomorrow after work while i flip back and forth between E! and MTV. so don't even think of changing up my plan. concrete. after the cardio workout, i then plan to wipe down the machine. THEN, i plan to do some weight training on some limbs (TBD which limbs). probably after that, i'll do some light stretching, really just pull a muscle or two, then walk jauntily home. WHEW! it's like i already worked out just writing about it. STAY STRONG MOLLY! you are definitely going to the gym tomorrow. unless someone invites you out to dinner, preferably nachos. anybody game for NACHOS tomorrow after work? i was maybe gonna go to the gym.

xo,
molly

body evolution

2006-05-31T23:20:00.000-04:00

i think our bodies should start evolving to accomodate fashion trends. like babies nowadays should be born with really long lower backs, so their butt cracks don't show when they wear lo-rise jeans. or maybe butt cracks are eliminated all together. i can't think of any other examps right now, but you get the idea. guess i've been seeing a lot of crack lately on the street. it's upsetting.

potpourri #5, shoe thoughts and noise curiousity

2006-05-24T23:58:00.000-04:00

i bought 4 pairs of the same sandals. different colors, but wouldn't it be weird if they were all the same exact color? just stockin' up! but now i can rationalize and be like, they're totally different.

here are the colors:

white
bone
champagne
pearl

on a sidenote, my window faces a very strange space between buildings, creating a disturbing vortex of sound. sometimes it sounds like a machine doing something rhythmic, and sometimes it sounds like someone is having an orgasm. it's too much of a pattern for human behavior, so i'm guessing machine over man.

time to catch some yyyyyyyyyys! ooops, i mean ddddddds.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz,
mollzzzzzzzzyyyyyyy

potpourri #4, mostly about balloons

2006-05-15T00:00:00.000-04:00

first off, happy mother's day!!

second, helium balloons depress me. they're like that person who always has to seem happy, but it's totally forced. "Hi!!! Things are going well! Yea, I'm doing good!" then, as the helium seeps from their mylar souls, the balloons slowly descend to the ground, until they're just a heap of deflated hopes with curly ribbons gathering dust.

thirdly, goodnight!

fourthly, i like normal balloons. they know when to throw in the towel.

clip up on comedy central

2006-05-09T16:48:00.000-04:00

click on title, clickers!