baby pandas and dealing with loss

I'm not sure about other writers and comedians, but I keep a running draft called "master notes" in trusty ol' g-mail. In it, I transcribe things I wrote hastily on receipts and napkins when a jokesplosion occurs. Well guess what I just discovered? My master notes file is gone. It's there. But the contents are gone! Goodbye awesome joke about mailing labels that I won't be able to recall exactly what it was about. Goodbye funny quip about I don't even know what because IT'S GONE. I'm taking this as a sign that it's time to start anew. Release the old stuff and reinvent. Because anything worthwhile remembering I'll remember, right? Right.

Like the ever playful baby panda, I must keep on rollin' (with a matching black and white ball on a grassy lawn.)

funny quote i needed to write down.

"I can't eat food that glistens"
-my mom at a vegan Chinese restaurant upon seeing her faux-meat dish

Sometimes when I need a third opinion, I listen to the voice inside the voice inside my head.

what time is it?

I noticed a couple minute disparity between my computer clock and my cel phone clock AND the clock at the laundry shack, which begs the question... WHAT TIME IS IT? Click the link for official government (creepy) time!

happy last day o' june,
molly

takin' me back to '83

I am a drugstore junkie. As a little girl, I wandered the aisles of Woolworth inspecting all manner of pen, candy and trapper keeper folder with the same delight I have today at the CVS. But nothing compares to ol' Woolworth - they had an IN-STORE DINER!!! after a tough half hour of binge-browsing the goods I would saddle up to the counter and order a hot dog, fries and a coke (with crushed ice). YUM and YUM. So, to my surprise, I recently discovered Woolworth is alive in Germany (I took this pic in Nuremberg, home of weird Woolworths among other historical sights). But like most things that go international, it's not the same store. Yes, German Woolworths are stuffed with cheap goods. Yes, the sign looks familiar. But the spirit is gone! And if you don't have spirit then you don't get my hot dog money.

love,

molly

US Weekly Weekly Ep. 2!

We turned the light on for this one. Enjoystickles!

sincerely,
molly

bald celebrities no one would miss but will be on tv until the end of time.

meet howie! bald, tanned, skeevy soul patch. poor howie has gone through so many bad suits in his life. please don't start a celebrity endorsed suit line howie! omg, what if he does? he probably has a deal already with macy's.

i'm not sure if joey's shirt is part of some western costume look or if he's wearing it genuinely. what causes more disturbance is his muscly crafted chest bursting out of his stretchy to the navel shirt. and i can't even talk about the choker. this is not the lovable floppy haired joey i remember from blossom.

Something to Chew On:
Is Joey Lawrence my generation's Howie Mandel? When I'm 53, Joey is going to be hosting some insane game show botoxed out of his mind.*

Who's with me?

xo
molly

*will Tivo

New series! Us Weekly Weekly.

I have lots of feelings about Us Weekly Magazine. Here are some of them!

phrase change alert!

instead of saying "hey, i'm gonna go home", try "hey, i'm gonna fly back to my nest."

let me know how it goes!

love,
molly "urban phrase changer/trendsetter of words strung together" reisner

p.s. please start using this phrase asap.

it's true! #34

welcome to "it's true!", a new series where i let you in on a little something that is totally true.

and here we go...!

ready?

ok.

one sec...

aaaaah, perfect!

it's true! #34:

you know what feels exactly like winning the lottery?

winning the lottery.

love,
molly

p.s. the first 33 "it's true"s are all insane arithmetic equations aka 3+5-3=5. i spared you reading about them.

on my mind #6,982

living in bustling nyc, i think it's important to stop and smell the laundry exhaust. mmmmm! i love laundry smoke! it's such a homey smell, especially appreciated when you're walking down a dank, wet street. is that tide mixed with a sheet of bounce i smell? YES IT IS!

so frickin' yummy

I CAN'T TAKE IT! if i could marry a food, it would be nachos. if i could have an affair, it would be with these little nugget buggers. ANDES CANDIES!!!! they've wormed their shiny green wrappers into my hands, and into my heart. and into my squishers (aka love handles). got a box of these last week, can't seem to eat less than seven at a pop. they're so GD good. minty mint chocolate, mmmmmm! my only gripe is that they don't make them bigger. it's 2008! can't they manufacture a normal candy bar size already? then i'd only have to unwrap one much larger shiny green wrapper, instead of seven. i used to eat these when i was little too, man, andes and i go way back. i love memory foods. and i love creating new memories involving food. food + molly = being alive and ENJOYING it. i know i sound crazed in this post, that's what food love does to me.

peace n' andes n' nachos,

molly

kmart/astor place fantasy

i was in the kmart today wishing i was in target.

but guys, kmart's trying! their aisles teem with martha stewart goods - periwinkle towels, shell soap holders, linen napkins. but let's face it. martha ain't no isaac (mizrahi). they even had a DVF (diane von furstenburg) like dress in their women's clothing area, but it made me sad. like in 6th grade when debbie wore a coca-cola branded rugby shirt instead of the uber-fashionable blue or green benetton rugby. i'm not proud to say that my friends and i snickered at her rugby. we snickered hard. back to 2008. to sum up, the kmart dress was like a knock off of target's DVF knock-offs. kmart's just not cool enough to have a straight up knock-off of DVF, but they're trying! and the trying is what saddens me, but that's my own issue. i left kmart with 2 sets of martha stewart pillowcases (200 count, y'all! but who's counting? HA HA!) and increased american pride at having shopped at an old-school retailer trying to remain relevant in these target-heady times.

thanks for reading if you read this which i guess you did if you're reading this!

love,
crazy aunt molly

2008 - Reflections!

As I look back on 2008, I can't help but feel nostalgic for all the memories I've accrued this year. Spending time with loved ones and perfecting my hard-boiled egg to name two! Time feels so compressed, do you know what I mean? It's weird, but New Year's eve feels like it was only 25 days ago! In my last post, I made some pretty big resolutions, and I can safely say I've moderately achieved at most one to two. There's not much time left in the year, but I do hope to keep my eye on the ball and really nail some of the harder goals I've set for myself. For me, personally, 2008 has been about reaching, reaching and REACHING some more! Thank goodess my arms are long!!! And THANK YOU, Dear Reader, for "filling up my tank" with your energy and wisdom (which I can only guess at as you are not very forthcoming comment leavers!).

Here's to a wonderful homestretch for 2008!

love and i'm rooting for you,
molly

hey gang! (hey me!) i'm headed to deutscheland aka germany aka land of few jews tonight! excited to increase the jewish population in the town i'll be visiting, augsburg. it's going to be absolutely freezing there, so am looking forward to warming up with lots of delicious pints. a happy new year to you, dearest reader! some '08 rezzies from the top of my head without really thinking too much about them:

1) finish screenplay and make sure it makes sense
2) continue to enjoy nachos, and cheese in general
3) cut down on dilly-dallying but ok to dilly-dally a little
4) advance to hard on guitar hero
5) write more jokes

i've got like 47 more probably but this is a good start, right? right!

love ya,
mol

it is disconcerting to switch seats on the plane because of balance concerns.

e-mail to the sun

dear sun,

how are you? i haven't seen you in awhile and just wanted to check in to make sure everything's alright. i heard through matt you've been chilling at home a lot. you have got to come out tomorrow dude! the gang misses you. sure, a couple people were pissed this summer when things got intense with your rays. but everyone's cool now (except for dave, but he's a douche). ANYWAY, i don't want to beg or nothing like that. any time you are in the mood to hang, party, whatevs - i am game. god, i miss you. i miss the way you dapple my face. i miss those crazy shadows you make. but most of all, i miss your irrepressible cheer.

love,
molly

p.s. call me when u get this

new phrase alert!!

just decided (like 4 minutes ago, it's so fresh!!) to start saying "i have the milds" for guys i sorta like who aren't that cute. so far no one falls into this category but i'm itchin' to get a lo-grade crush! just so i can honestly use this newly minted phrase. i guess you could also say "i have the mediums" but i dig the word mild better, i think. hmmmm, now i'm on the fence - milds or mediums? PANEL DISCUSH! what do you think, dear reader?

a hearty and healthy shabbat shalom to my jewish readers!

love,
molly "divisive shout-out" reisner

no one cares about this but yours trules...

i went to TEKSERVE today to drop off my drool-infested macbook. maybe i need to get out of the 718 more, every time i head into "the city" these days it feels like a large journey. i pack beef jerky. a peanut butter granola bar. and a canister of water! it's 1843! not to get off topic but where can I purchase a big-wheeled covered wagon?

So I'm at TEKSERVE. They are so honest there. As soon as I get in the door, the gentleman who hands out tickets alerts me it's going take at least 45 mins. I got time. Because I don't work in an office anymore! I'm waiting and waiting, crack open a book and read intently but am secretly waiting and then at times overtly eavesdropping...and then I wait some more. I see two cute shaggy guys who emit this really friendly aura. We keep making eye contact and they seem stoned. One of them says "Should we get Rick?". I casually look around and see:Sweeet! It's Ric!!! Ric Ocasek. He looks exactly like this, except a little older. Dangling earring, black jeans, black shaggy/spiky hair, sunglasses. He is so frigging cool. The Cars rock. Ric shambled around the store, waiting with all of us waiters. He was toting a black computer, natch.

I dedicate your lyrics to you Ric - and to those 2 friendly cute guys who are Ric's posse.
And to the staff at TEKSERVE. Thanks for not making me feel embarassed for drooling into my spacebar:

who's gonna tell you when

it's too late

who's gonna tell you things

aren't so great

you can't go on

thinking nothing's wrong

who's gonna drive you home tonight


who's gonna pick you up

when you fall

who's gonna hang it up

when you call

who's gonna pay attention

to your dreams

who's gonna plug their ears

when you scream


you can't go on

thinking nothing's wrong

who's gonna drive you home tonight


who's gonna hold you down

when you shake

who's gonna come around

when you break

love,
molly

tip #9,074

When you're brushing your teeth whilst hovering over laptop, and a little bit of toothpaste drool escapes from your gaping mouth and seeps into your spacebar and you don't think too much about it...THINK TOO MUCH ABOUT IT! I ruined my keyboard in a similar (exact) fashion.

In other words:

Drool + Keyboard = A funny moment that later turns into several moments of self-loathing and despair followed by an uncomfortable call to Tekserve topped off by a prayer to G-d to please fix spacebar and y,h,n letters and the +/= button too.

There is a part of me that hopes G-d is reading my blog. Like, for reals.
Sweet dreams,
molly