non-seqs

ever say out loud to yourself, "might as well make myself useful around here!" before tackling a chore? like tonight i chuckled at myself and was like "molly, you better earn your keep!", then i did the dishes. that's right folks, i jes' crack m'self up!

why is radio shack still a shack? this store has been around since the dawn of radios. someone's not running the business right.

ok, so i bought a big tube of toothpaste the other day and felt like i had a comittment ceremony with Colgate Spearmint. I am stickin' by this flavor, for like 2-3 months!

?! - love this combo of punctuation. cuz the ? is clearly like "i don't get it? huh?" and the ! is like "totally! i know!" but ?! is something unique. it's like "i'm feeling incredulous?!"

sometimes there are moments when someone's talking and i'm like "FF!"

p.s. FF=fast forward

p.p.s. p.s.=post script

what do you do with your ex's leftovers?

throw them out!

I told someone I l-o-v-e-d their shirt, but i only really l-u-v-e-d it.

important ?

what's up with boys?

dear blog,

another delinquent posting from yours truly, the juvie. how many tears have i cried for you? none. i feel bad i haven't written in a while, but then again, it's not like you've written me either! hey passive-aggressive. ok, well, let's KIT, k? I mean f'reals, not F'FAKES! F'fakes is so '93, I'm over that 'tude, ya know? Hey blog, thanks. For being f'real.

luv,
molls-a-lots

i love signs in different countries. bahamas. conch. goldies. try it. goldie has gold teeth, solid.

revelation

i'd be seriously freaked if someone gave me a lifetime supply of nachos, and it was 4 servings. I'd be like "Um, do you know something I don't?"

guess who's blogging on a saturday night?

God: Just for kicks, I'm gonna put a freaky hole in the sky and see if anyone notices.

me - age 8ish - in my fanciest pac-man related outfit. note the string barrettes and smurf necklace. i love how the pinky belt is creating a waist. remember how those polaroid flashes plugged into the top?

heads up - i'm starting a male cheerleading team. practice takes place in my apartment. white t-shirts will serve as the uniform. must be goal oriented, enthusiastic, and have a winner's attitude.

omg! totally forgot to tell you guys. i had a baby!!! jk, it's my newest nephew, jonah. he's extremely cute, and you know what? he knows it.

you really need to order at THE BAR, OK. GOD!!!!

At the bar tonight, my pals and i sat at a table. the place was empty. the bartender lady comes over and says "if you want drinks, order at the bar since i'm the only one here tonight." UMMMMM, EVEN IF NO ONE IS AT THE BAR? WE KNOW NO ONE IS AT THAT BAR. unless...nah, ghosts don't drink!

reminds me of the shores of coney island (minus roller coaster, debris and lack of mountains).

When I own a house, I will definitely paint pictures of my favorite foods on the side. It will make me excited to prepare or purchase those foods, which I can then eat in the kitchen, inside my house.

totally new look!

i just COMEPLETELY revamped the ol' blog. Had to retype all my entries and comments which kept me real busy tonight. it'd be great if all I had to do was press a button to pick a new template but, ah well.

sunday night potpourri, part 4

Ever be really YOU - you know really ON - to the point where you feel like you're channeling... yourself?

folks, the potpourri is short tonight. i think i'll make it a weekly round-up sort of thing, instead of being so blog-se about it all.

oh, here's something. i don't get when people are so like "NO REGRETS, MAN." and they shake their heads with the wisdom of someone who'se been through it all, and they're like 26. Nooooo regrets. holy shit, sometimes my whole life feels like a festival of regret.

if you're a comedian and reading this, here's a term I made up you might relate to:

JOKESPLOSION.

That's what you call a joke-writing streak.

Use it!!! DO IT.

missed call

Whenevs I get a missed call, I automatically assume it's the person I want most to call me but never has. Sweet hope, inevs disspointment.

I'm starting to shorten words/make up new spellin's to the point where they sound strange even to me.

H to the - elp!

t-shirt idea

What about a t-shirt that says "Bear it, Don't Wear it." The message being, hey, keep your shit together man, stop flooding me with your angst.

sunday night potpourri, part 3

dear blog,

couple things clankin' around before i sign off for the night:

i have a fear that my lava lamp is going to erupt.

tip: don't ride a stationery bike while watching the tour de france. you'll feel like your going nowhere, fast.

the fact of the day from today's snapple lid said "jews are everywhere". it's true! that crazy exodus.

where are my generation's bob newharts?

xo,
molly

batman

guys (hi me!),

i just saw batman. not the real batman - the fictional version. is it my imagination, or does katie holmes look like she had a stroke? discuss (amongst myself!)

g'night,
molly (AKA me)

i'm really sensitive.

Is it weird to feel bad for the 'deleted scenes' on a DVD? Last night I found myself watching them out of pity, I hope they don't find out I fast-forwarded through the boring (all of them) ones!!

it's late

BLOG!!!! Hey. How ARE you'? I keep feeling this nagging sense that I'm disappointing you and you totally have the right to be pissed. I'm like that guy you have a crush on - you know the one - the one who gives you JUST enough to keep you interested. But never more. Checking in every coupla weeks - how you doing - that bullship (I'm trying not to curse). So, my sorries will just keep pouring into the big sorry well of life. Guess what's new? I'm drunk! Not really. This is going to be a really personal entry, my fingers are just tap-tappin' away with no consideration of consequences. JK! I'd never reveal anything too personal on this thing. Lord knows who GOOGLES me. So...I thought I'd solidify some thoughts I've been having.

1) I wonder what bathroom graffiti in a library would look like. Maybe something like: Kim heart F. Scott Fitzgerald!!! Or, maybe...For a good time, read Amy Tan bitch!!! Just wondering.

2) Let's not think about this too much, but I definitely feel a connection to Cameron Diaz. It's like, she's sooooooo goofy! Me too. Plus she digs J. Timbs and, yea, so do I, duh! I actually saw Justin in my work building several years ago. I was carrying my subsidized cafeteria lunch in a cardboard box, walking towards my elevator bank. He whooshed right past me, bodyguards behind me. My heart started beating real fast. I gawked. My heart went palpa (palpitated with lust). I was surprised how tall JT was - about 6 ft of GROOVE. Damn. Was that my chance? So back to Cameron, we're like twins and she knows it! In a way, she copies me. P.S. J.T. and I totally locked eyes - like two tigers.

3) What else can I ramble on...oh! Nothing.

4) Oh! I remember. JK! I'm drunk.

5) One more thing. My friend's grandma turned 95 recently. I told her "Well, you can't say you're in your early 90's anymore!". And I just chuckled up a storm while she asked me to repeat myself.

6) Hey! Good night. Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I'm gonna get? Right now, it'll be 6 hours if I go down instantly.

7) Hey. I'm still up.

8) Ok, this is ret*rded. And pleasing. Blog, a heartfelt goodnight and I'll really try this time...k? Sucker.

heart ya,
molly

P.P.S. because I already had a P.S. up there - just wanted to let you know I feel really complete right now. This is nice. I mean it. Seriousy, jeez!

segregation at the office

I just noticed a recycling bin in my office hallway that says "White Paper Only!!". What is this, 1952?

customized keyboard

I write craploads of e-mails every day and I'm starting to think that the standard computer keyboard could use an update. You know, one-touch phrase shortcuts. Here are some buttons I'd like to see on my keyboard:

"Per our conversation"
"Please let me know me if you have any questions"
"I can't wait to get the f out of work"

Convenient, right?

hey beautiful!

i was walking down the street and this guy said "hey beautiful" as i strolled by. i shrugged it off, until i relaized another woman was walking directly behind me. then i was like " wait a sec...WHO are you talking to!??!" I NEED TO KNOW. if it was me, cool, i'll accept the compliment silently. if it was her, i'm gonna find you a little bit hot.

my bad

sorry man,

it's been way too long. like almost a month. like i said, sorry. this month has really whizzed by. i feel bad about not writing, maybe i'm not cut out for this. what? you're not upset? i love you.

molly

You Know You're New Age When...

you buy a crystal and you mean it.

You Know You've Got an Edge When...

you eat a Big Mac while watching SuperSize Me. Try it...and feel what it's like to walk on the dark side.

You Know A Movie Isn't Great When...

the only time you laugh is during the blooper reel. This was the case with Bride & Prejudice. This movie would have been a RIOT had the entire thing be bloopers of each scene. One blooper after another. 90 minutes of bloopers. Then the trailer would be the blooper-free scenes, spliced together real quick. Brilliant!

Good Morning!

Nothing like waking up on a Saturday morning to a man outside screaming I DON'T GIVE A FUCK for 12 minutes.

My arms are so long...

that when I stretch them out I hug the whole world! Here I go...did you feel that? Let me know!

Kirk Cameron Update

In case you were wondering what K.C. is up to post Growing Pains...if you're not wondering, that's fine too.

I AM SO EXCITED BUT ALSO CONFUSED!!!

I just read my horoscope, and it says the stars have something in store for me...

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???

I hope I can fall asleep tonight!

You Know You Spend Too Much Time Typing When...

you consider handwriting a form of drawing.

Happy Ash Wednesday! (from a Jew!)

When I asked my friend at work what she's giving up for Lent, she said "Jews."

Tricks to Eating Healthy

Folks! It turns out that eating cooked broccoli or carrots tastes REALLY good if you already have sour cream and butter in your mouth. Try it and let me know what you think.

C'mon, Do You Really Need That Cane?

Crossing the slushy street last night, I saw a man walking a little too jauntily with his cane. Like it was a distinguished prop. There was something about the way he bounced it along the pavement that made me question his need for it. In a way, I felt like he was mocking real cane-users with his exaggerated jauntiness - as if to say "Hey, look at this cane-jazz! I can walk fine with out it, but I'd rather not!"

OR...maybe I'm reading too much it.

Bahamas!

My friend Lida and I, en route to snorkeling, sun and spiked rum punch!

Yellow Bird! Yellow Bird! I wanna set you free! Oh wait, you're just a boat.

The opposite of rage.

You Know You Are A Computer Geek If...

when someone asks whether you prefer Mac or PC you answer "That's a loaded question!"

You know you are an emoticon dorkitronious if someone asks if you use smily faces when you sign-off and you answer "It totally depends."

Bahama Snapshots - The Short List

Here are some pics from my recent trip to the Bahamas. I cavorted with animals, ate a lot of shrimp and transformed briefly into a butterfly! Do you believe in magic? You will after seeing these...or not.


This was taken after a flamingo "got curious" and nipped my ass. I think it was the one directly to the right, looking the other way like nothing happened.

Wait, so you're posing as a flamingo WITH a bunch of flamingos? Genius!

Um...this is getting awkward.

Yea, I know my feathers are gorgeous but that doesn't mean I'm gonna fan 'em for you, no matter how much you chase me around the zoo.

Stop looking at me with those imploring peepers Mr. Goat! OK, it worked. I'll buy you some goat snacks.

This picture is worth 6 words.

Meet Bobbi, an endangered macaw!

Hey...that butterfly looks like Molly!

Underselling Your Anger

Telling someone you are 'super-duper' mad probably does not have the same effect as telling them you are f'ing pissed. But don't say 'pissed as all get out', that's weaker then 'really steamed.'

Irrelevant Actor Tried to Make Self Relevant on World Stage

Read this nugget on Richard Gere's attempt to get Palestinians to vote. An important reminder that American Gigolo, Pretty Woman and, oh heck, all of Mr. Gere's canon aren't 'must-sees' for Palestinians.

See ya!

Sometimes when I say 'See ya' I add in my head 'wouldn't wanna be ya'. Even if I DO want to be that person! Like:

1) Gwyneth Paltrow with her bouncy Apple and hottie hubs
2) The person who gets to be a nacho taster for a living
3) Carrot Top

But I haven't met any of the above...yet!

Although I do mean 'wouldn't wanna be ya' to the following:

1) Tracy Gold
2) The person who gets to be a blueberry and olive taster for a living
3) A parrot that can't speak

Who's Your Daddy?

aka Who's The Asshole Actor Pretending to Be Your Daddy?


p.s. I totally cried when T.J. picked her dad. Then felt weirded out when she met her 3 half-sibs. And then plain retarded when she met her biological mother. I really hope this show was fake.