hey gang! (hey me!) i'm headed to deutscheland aka germany aka land of few jews tonight! excited to increase the jewish population in the town i'll be visiting, augsburg. it's going to be absolutely freezing there, so am looking forward to warming up with lots of delicious pints. a happy new year to you, dearest reader! some '08 rezzies from the top of my head without really thinking too much about them:

1) finish screenplay and make sure it makes sense
2) continue to enjoy nachos, and cheese in general
3) cut down on dilly-dallying but ok to dilly-dally a little
4) advance to hard on guitar hero
5) write more jokes

i've got like 47 more probably but this is a good start, right? right!

love ya,
mol

it is disconcerting to switch seats on the plane because of balance concerns.

e-mail to the sun

dear sun,

how are you? i haven't seen you in awhile and just wanted to check in to make sure everything's alright. i heard through matt you've been chilling at home a lot. you have got to come out tomorrow dude! the gang misses you. sure, a couple people were pissed this summer when things got intense with your rays. but everyone's cool now (except for dave, but he's a douche). ANYWAY, i don't want to beg or nothing like that. any time you are in the mood to hang, party, whatevs - i am game. god, i miss you. i miss the way you dapple my face. i miss those crazy shadows you make. but most of all, i miss your irrepressible cheer.

love,
molly

p.s. call me when u get this

new phrase alert!!

just decided (like 4 minutes ago, it's so fresh!!) to start saying "i have the milds" for guys i sorta like who aren't that cute. so far no one falls into this category but i'm itchin' to get a lo-grade crush! just so i can honestly use this newly minted phrase. i guess you could also say "i have the mediums" but i dig the word mild better, i think. hmmmm, now i'm on the fence - milds or mediums? PANEL DISCUSH! what do you think, dear reader?

a hearty and healthy shabbat shalom to my jewish readers!

love,
molly "divisive shout-out" reisner

no one cares about this but yours trules...

i went to TEKSERVE today to drop off my drool-infested macbook. maybe i need to get out of the 718 more, every time i head into "the city" these days it feels like a large journey. i pack beef jerky. a peanut butter granola bar. and a canister of water! it's 1843! not to get off topic but where can I purchase a big-wheeled covered wagon?

So I'm at TEKSERVE. They are so honest there. As soon as I get in the door, the gentleman who hands out tickets alerts me it's going take at least 45 mins. I got time. Because I don't work in an office anymore! I'm waiting and waiting, crack open a book and read intently but am secretly waiting and then at times overtly eavesdropping...and then I wait some more. I see two cute shaggy guys who emit this really friendly aura. We keep making eye contact and they seem stoned. One of them says "Should we get Rick?". I casually look around and see:Sweeet! It's Ric!!! Ric Ocasek. He looks exactly like this, except a little older. Dangling earring, black jeans, black shaggy/spiky hair, sunglasses. He is so frigging cool. The Cars rock. Ric shambled around the store, waiting with all of us waiters. He was toting a black computer, natch.

I dedicate your lyrics to you Ric - and to those 2 friendly cute guys who are Ric's posse.
And to the staff at TEKSERVE. Thanks for not making me feel embarassed for drooling into my spacebar:

who's gonna tell you when

it's too late

who's gonna tell you things

aren't so great

you can't go on

thinking nothing's wrong

who's gonna drive you home tonight


who's gonna pick you up

when you fall

who's gonna hang it up

when you call

who's gonna pay attention

to your dreams

who's gonna plug their ears

when you scream


you can't go on

thinking nothing's wrong

who's gonna drive you home tonight


who's gonna hold you down

when you shake

who's gonna come around

when you break

love,
molly

tip #9,074

When you're brushing your teeth whilst hovering over laptop, and a little bit of toothpaste drool escapes from your gaping mouth and seeps into your spacebar and you don't think too much about it...THINK TOO MUCH ABOUT IT! I ruined my keyboard in a similar (exact) fashion.

In other words:

Drool + Keyboard = A funny moment that later turns into several moments of self-loathing and despair followed by an uncomfortable call to Tekserve topped off by a prayer to G-d to please fix spacebar and y,h,n letters and the +/= button too.

There is a part of me that hopes G-d is reading my blog. Like, for reals.
Sweet dreams,
molly

cute bordering on i can't take it

i can't tell if these kittens were sedated so they'd stay in their mugs or WHAT but i think the photogs truly captured the essence of what makes kittens so GD adorable! GRRRYAYAYYAAAWWWWWW!!!

i 'm going to cafe press the shit outta this. kittens in mugs ON A MUG! check back soon for product links.

info on my burgeoning career!

Do you know why my hands need to stay looking young or at least moisturized? Because i am inching my way up the hand model industry pole! i haven't formally announced anything yet because it's still all new, but i am breaking into the biz...i guess my hands are unstoppable!



shall we take a look? let's! my most lucrative hand modeling gig to date! photo still used in razr cell phone tv spot.


hands/head shot - now, most hands models don't usually have this kind of pic (including the face) , they usually just do the hands. a lot of clients really just like my kooky look, i guess!


thumb photo- will be used in a sign language photo-instructional manual. it's a one-gesture joke amongst many sign language users. the above photo means, "i wish you could hear me, because my hands are getting tired!" in sign language.


sideview, spreaded fingers - hand will be photoshopped into a TGIFridays print ad for their new item, "Curiously Lumpy But I'll Eat 'Em Anyway Chicken Littles". It will look like I'm grabbing for a handful of delicious TGIF food!



and lastly, the "headshot" for my hands.

So, if next time you see me and my paws are encased in lotion-lined gloves, please don't be po'd if i can't take my gloves off during dinners out. my hands now need to be in a constant state of lotion-absorption. it's crazy! but i do it.

thanks for sharing my interest in my new career,
love,
molly

b-washed by the googs

i think i'm spending too much time ADD'ing out on the internet. whenever a question pops into my brain that i can't answer on my own (which is most of the time), i lunge towards google. so now, when i'm in a real conversation with someone, like face2face, and they ask me something...i literally fake google the query into a search box in my brain. the problem with this method is...no links. nothin' comes up.

just a lone image of nachos, circa 1986:

a convincing lie is to tell someone you are a model for hair dye boxes. these are some ways to make it believable:

1) KNOW YOUR BRANDS - don't mix-up your garniers with your clairols with your loreals. look smart!

2) KNOW THE NAME OF THE DYE YOU MODELED - is it chardonnay or ginger ale? be sure.

3)IF YOU GET CAUGHT - act like you were joking the whole time. besides, who lies about being a hair dye box model?

tip #3,689

next time you eat beets, put a post-it note on the bathroom mirror that says "you ate beets!" when you pee pink, just refer to post-it for reason.

FOLKS! hey. what is UP? lay it on me. GUYS!!! i'm back in town. i was away for a coupla weeks, speeding in a gold ford taurus up the west coast of america. may i share some moments?



you'll have to crane your neck a bit to catch this doozy! i found this outfit to be the coziest for driving 1,700 miles. wore it every other day.



just turn your monitor on its side to get a lookie at this elegant toilette at the famous madonna inn, just a couple miles south of san luis obispo! google madonna inn to check out their nutty rooms! sorry, links are hard for me.





lisa and molly in front of wads of ABC gum in BUBBLEGUM ALLEY! in the heart of san luis obispo. that alley was so goofy and wacky yet loveable too.


the views along big sur were SICK! they were so sweet. ohmaga! seriously, if you're ever feeling like there is no beauty left in the world, go to big sur and sture. i mean, stare.

another monitor-turner. the mind boggles and the heart quickens when around the magnificent redwoods. i found the r-woods to be magical and slightly creepy.



and that concludes my slideshow! lots of other photos were taken, as well. apologies for my circa 1874 blogging skills. it's cool to be back in the 718, but i do miss the freedom of the open road, as experienced inside my gold ford taurus rental, with gps system. i'll be back west coast! oh yes.

love n' fluff n' nutters,

molly

total update

greetings readershipmates! sorry it's been so long - there have been lots of changes in ol' molly's L.I.F.E. above is a photo from a celebratory solo dance I partook in on my birthday, whereby I danced very sensually, alone, in front of a mirror. It was an intense and private moment, which I thought I would share with you. Also, I quit my job and will be spending most of my free time blogging for this site. Just kidding! I did quit my job though, which is totally weird and freakcrazy, but as humans sometimes say "IT'S ALL GOOD." Really, it is, for now.

love,
molly "where my cube at?" reisner

slowly turning into a '78 muppet

too shaggy?

used to looove wearing these n-gowns when i was a little girl. just found out they come in adult sizes too, which depresses me. should be getting mine in a couple days!

self-portraits

picture booth + molly =each and every tuesday night from 8pm-12am.
is that vain?

a tale of two cities, with the same high profile name

after yahoo'ing (i yahoo when i want to be retro-search-engine-ing) the weather in chicago, yahoo asked me if i meant chicago, illinois or chicago, wisconsin. and i was all "yahoo! of course, illinois." which then spurred a yahoo weather search of all major u.s. cities - how many new yorks are there? well, one if you ask me. TEN if you ask yahoo. does anyone really want to know the temperature in new york, georgia? i guess the people who live there do. i'd like to rename all the los angeles, texases and cleveland, tennessee's out there. i'm embarassed for these towns. they must feel so overshadowed.

this was a weird topic, but thanks for sticking through readership!

(the real )windy city bound,
molly

4 de julio

this is what automatically happens when you put Britney's "Hit Me Baby" on the ipod.

indoor fireworks

Hope everyone had a BLAST on July 4th!!! The above picture was taken last night from inside my living room. I bought some f-works from 'South of the Border' during my Teen Tour back in '87, and decided to finally test them out in my apartment. Pretty beautiful, right? I'm a little 3rd degree burned but totally worth it.

love,
molly

uh oh guys, it's...

INSTIGATING AWKWARD MOMENTS NIGHT!!

Tonight I plan to make one or more people slightly uncomfortable with a delicate combination of invasive questioning and aggressive humor. I can't wait!

my new pick-up line!

"Do you want to head back to my place and fill out my dress with a baby?"

This only works if your'e wearing one of those maternity-lite dresses that make you wonder if she is or isn't "you know what".

potpourri sentence of the day

My roomate Jenn said the best sentence of the day:

"The old chinese man seemed very concerned that I didn't have a napkin"

it was a real "you had to be there moment".

'night,
molly

mtv spot y'all

Watch the re-cut version of Vagina Etiquette on MTV's Short Cirtcuitz show Thursday, June 21 @ 10:30pm on your TV! It's also here.

love,
molly "keepin' it proper" reisner

please don't wear message shirts that make me sad for you

i saw a girl on the train today wearing a shirt that said "overexposed" and i was like "are you? because i've never seen your face before."

other message t-shirts that are depressing:

- i survived the holocaust!
- homeless people do it better.
- ithaca is gorges.

happy thursday fanbase! and a special shout-out to my manbase (my male fans i can only assume i have. hi dad!)

british lurrrrve,
molly

a complete lie or failure to achieve goal OR a pretty funny joke if intended as such - click on me

your lucky june 13th awaits you in the below triple post!

so guys - this is my 3rd post today. I'VE NEVER POSTED THIS MUCH IN MY LIFE! if you're an avid mollyreisner.blogspot reader such as myself, then you understand that blogging happens so preciously little. i've decided to give my readers a gift today...enjoy .

all my love (though i don't have that much to give),
molly

it's time for real time thoughts! that just happened! like, now!!

guys,

i just took a big whiff of my hair and stated to my living room "I'm glad I'm clean!"

is that weird?

be honest...i can take it. in small amounts.

love n' stuff,
molly

TATER POTS!

tater pots!
tater pots!
perfect for growing your favorite herb.
tater pots!
tater pots!

the tater pot with that "you know what I'M growing" wink is my favorite. Yeah, i KNOW what you're growin' tater! it looks like basil or maybe mint.

the tater pot with the open smile just diarreahed and feels incredible relief!

and the tater pot with the yellow legs is depressed but trying to be brave.

tater pots!
tater pots!
let's be friends.

love,
molly

reluctant gum-giving: a photo series

these are all the various stages of reluctance i go through when i give away my last piece of gum. i try to keep it to myself.

new website!!

if you're like me, A BLUE SKY THINKER, you probably have a running list of amazing ideas such as figuring out a way to make your favorite foods float around you at all times.

if you're like me, SOMEONE WITH MEDIOCRE TO POOR FOLLOW-THROUGH, then you probably don't do much to make those ideas a reality.

So check out my new website: www.someoneelsedothis.com where I will post my ideas for a productive person to seize upon! Problem is I need someone else to create this website for me.

an open letter to honeybees (everywhere)

dear honeybees,

where ya at? i read on the cnn.com that you guys are playing a global game of "we're disappearing at an alarmingly rapid rate with no explanation why."

come back! we need you. and not just for the selfish reasons of wanting you to pollinate flowers and plants so we can continue eating:

HONEY



FRUIT IN GENERAL



ALL KINDS O' NUTS


we miss your "can-do" personality that subsequently allows us to eat apples, nuts, avocados, soybeans, asparagus, broccoli, celery, squash, cucumbers, citrus fruit, peaches, kiwi, cherries, blueberries, cranberries, strawberries, cantaloupe and other melons.

we love you honeybees! you're a true talent, especially at the "providing food for humans" thang! we will never take you for granted again (until we find a way to create these foods without your help.)

we've organized a welcome back pollinating party for when you return! free honeybee-sized ipods for you too! music really helps the honeybee work-a-day go much faster.

also, no need to be embarrassed about your sudden disappearance. if it was a heroine bender or whatever, we are here for YOU!

much love and need,

molly

april 17 - the highs and the lows

i'm not even gonna introduce it. oh no! i think i just did.

oh heckles be jeckles! let me get a little more formal then ...

(violently clears throat)

ladies and gentlegayfolk,

here below it is my pleasure to share with you the below record-breaking all-time best and worst moments of my day.

BEST: having a liberating "i can change my life if i want to!" kind of feeling for a couple hours in a row

WORST: being paralyzed by a "I can change my life if i want to." kind of feeling for a couple hours in a row

sweet dreams readership!

molly

guess who's blowing into town?

my old buddy- THE NOR'EASTER!!!!

is anyone scared?

don't be. Nor'Easter might lift up your body and slam it into a tree, but she doesn't mean it.

Nooooooooooooooooor'Easter!

No-no-don't-blow-me-into-a-treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

if you are frightened by Nor'Easter I've set up a shelter at my home. Provisions include:

Guitar Hero (2 player)
Homeade popcorn
A viewing of Britney Spears' debut film, Crossroads
Minute by minute updates of Noreastie
Spotty internet access
A viewing of Britney Spears last HBO special
Pure fear
Dancing


Come!

love,
molly

Breaking News...guess who won Guitar Hero II on MEDIUM!?!?!?!?!

Thanks.

It was a harrowing, passionate rendition of Free Bird that launched me into Guitar Hero status. Now I can legitimately offer guitar (hero) lessons if I'm ever down n' out!

it's march 20th!

it's so hard to find up to the minute celeb news. between tmz, perez and pink - i just don't feel like i'm covering all my bases. thank g-d i subscribe to us weekly!

best moment today: eating 2 desserts, both chocolate, spaced about 2 hours apart

worst moment today: hmmm...it was a really good day. maybe...nope. okay, if i HAD to pick one then it'd be putting my cat to sleep.

night!

love,
me (aka molldred (my full name) )

no events scheduled

hey fans,

it's kinda lame i have no shows booked. if you miss my jokes, i've started a 1-900 number where you can here me LIVE tell you a special joke. Choose from such topics as:

dating
work
pillows suffocating you
being jewish
weed
the alphabet...AND SO MUCH MORE!

1-900-mol-jokes. It's 24 hugs a minute. You have to hug me (like you mean it) 24 times for every 60 seconds of joke telling I deliver. I want to hear my special 1-900 phone ding-a-ling!

yours,
molly

3,000 visitors!!!!

So my sitemeter says I am 2 people away from having 3k visitors to ye olde blog. WOW!!!!*

keep on readin',
love not luv,
molly

*2800 are from me

guitar heroine

Hey Gang,

If you are having trouble getting a hold of me, it's because I have this really big gig in Detroit Rock City and need to practice a sh*tload.

Peace,
Judy Nails

Seriously, guys, I am turning into a 13 yo boy. I bought a PS2 just for guitar hero. No jo-joke.

upside: My air guitar is so on point these days as a result.
downside: nothing forseeable. maybe the streaming fretboard of colored notes constantly running through my mind as I try to fall asleep. A smidge of carpal tunnels.

tags: woodwork, coming out of, secret, love, molly, terrorists

if you are scared to let me know you are harboring a deep, secret crush on me - i just wanted to take the time to let you know that it's cool and if you are feeling shy or whatever - that's cool but i would love to know who you are...and you know who you are...and v-day is right around the corner and wouldn't this be the perf time to reveal your paralyzing, soul-obsessed crush on yours truly? seriously, feel free to e-mail with the blow-by-blow account of how much you adore me and i promise a personal response.

is it weird to constantly refer to oneself as "yours truly"?

for those of you who are harboring terrorists and NOT secret crushes on Yours Truly, please do not fill me in on the specifics.

if you are harboring both - let's talk.

love YOU...

maybe.....?

mol

p.s. see above for what i look like in case you forgot

let 'em know where you stand

above please find the latest pattern from Vans. are you pro-leaf pattern or anti? don't believe all those jokers who say this is the gateway shoe. i might need to get a pair, ya know, for the weekend.

I wish Trader Joe's was like an old-timey trading post where you could bring in anything for a trade. Below are some comparable trades:

1 Gin Blossom's CD (unscratched!!) = bag of TJ walnuts
4 batik wall hangings (circa 1995) = bar of tea tree oil soap
1 J. Crew hunter green anorak (circa 1988) = bottle of TJ special reserve merlot

or I guess I could just donate the stuff.

champagne and my secret life

Last night after seeing amazing, epiphany inducing new years eve fireworks (see below entry), my pals and I uncorked a big one - champagne bottle that is...hee hee (don't know why i'm hee hee'ing but it feels appropriate)...and WE DRANK RIGHT THERE ON THE SIDEWALK!!!! They don't call us "Brooklyn's Baddest Champagne Club" for no reason. New Years Eve is our night to shine, dammit. We passed a $400 bottle amongst each other during a fierce round of "who ever stops taking sips has to leave the circle". Then we heard gunfire* and decided to take Champagne Club** indoors.

*most likely fireworks, mom and dad.
** we're really more like a gang. the gunfire came from our rivals, Port Authority (a group of port*** lovers).
*** port is like a heavy kind of wine. i tried it in Portugal once, and i think I liked it. But then again, I haven't had it since. So maybe I didn't like it. This is a fascinating mystery!

new years eve fireworks - spectacular light show or cruel reminder of how lackluster own year has been?

a little bit of both, a little bit of both.