my motto for spring...WAY TO BLOSSOM!!

I went for a walk the other day. The air smelled so nice. I was like "Is that fabric softener?" and then i was like "oh, it's nature!" and then i had nachos.

love,
molly

my knuckles hurt

'cuz all I've been doing lately is knocking on wood. Seriously, last night during dinner my pal and I knocked on wood like 87 times just as a safety precaution. All I can do these days is knock on wood! There's so much at stake.

For example:

Will he call me back? KNOCKIN'!

Will he call you back? KNOCKETY-KNOCKERS!!

And so on...and so forth!

It's tempting to knock on wood for inappropriate things.

For example:

Will my pasta taste good? small knocks

I hope I still fit into my pants from last year. medium-size knocks

I hope Earth lasts. the tiniest of knocks, really just a knocking motion in the air

I hope you all can relate to this train of thought (knock on you-know-what!!!).

love,
molly

right now i'm in puerto rico.

can you tell?

buenos noches mis amores,
molly-cita

p.s. it's really pretty here. i really wish i could show you! i will, when i get back home and upload my photos and import them to this blog, and write captions!

role reversal

I was at Barnes and Noble buying something (aka book) and the woman who rang me up was like "Can I help you sweetie?". She wore a lot of gold chains and her lips were burgundied with lipstick and liner. We made the transaction and then she was like "Have a good night, honey." Normally I would appreciate the sentiments, but the woman was SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD. It was all very confusing.

(tw)in-fighting

When twins fight, I wonder if it feels like they're fighting themselves.

Unrelated, one day i'd like to open a popcorn shop called "Molly's Homeade Original Popcorn Kernel Specialty Store, Selling Only Jars and Jars of Orville Redenbacher"

query to the masses

is it cool to say "don't shoot the messenger!" after you personally insult someone?

let me know,
molly

dancing under the influence (of R. Kelly)

sometimes it's important to have a dance party of one, with a professional photographer on deck to capture the beauty/spontaneity of the moment.

my inspiration:

this is the remix to ignition
hot and fresh out the kitchen
mama rollin that body
got evey man in her wishin
sippin on coke and rum
im like so what im drunk
its the freakin weekend baby
im about to have me some fun

BLOCK PARTY

duuuuudes! me. listen up! i just came back from seeing Dave Chappelle's Block Party. Holy mizz-oly - run and see it. In a theater. This deserves the big screen. A mix of comedy, music and, dare I say, heart? Really cool interactions between musicians, Dave and the people. Dave is a notaried genius.

Inspired!

Here's my contribution to rap:

MC Rei, been all in the media
Even laid verse in Wikipedia

(work in progress)

Also, Lauryn Hill, Jill Scott and Erykah Badu have amazing pipes and really great lip gloss.

Good night,

MC Rei (aka Molly "Knuckles" Reisner)

the sleepover

ever go out with someone, thinking it just might be a date...and then you realize you were horribly misguided? check this out. click on title!

It's Alice!

Hey Peep(s),

This is the Director's Cut of a pilot I did with my cousin, Isaac. Admittedly, the plot is kinda confusing - we know. We're working on a new one. Meet Alice, a twentysomething stoner secretly employed by an elite agency of Super Temps! When she's not filling in for absent surgeons or tardy SWAT Team members, Alice juggles career advice from her busybody roomate, Carla, and a complex relationship with her ex-boyfriend, and current drug dealer, Dylan.

date flashback #1

the worst date i went on was with a guy who smelled like garbage. he said he played music in "subways", and by subways he meant "chinatown on trash night". it took me awhile to reconcile, because he was cute, but he also smelled like sour milk and rotten cardboard. cute cannot trump smell, right? unless...i'm wearing a clothespin on my nose but that seems a bit cartoonish. i didn't fully understand the intensity of the stench until we sat down for a 2 and a half hour movie. At first I was making all kinds of excuses for it - no, maybe it's me. WTF? can't be. gotta be the soda-stained, greasy-fingered movie chair. and, a-nope. then he went to go to the bathroom. and i took a direct hit of his jacket. oh! god! another whiff, just to reaffirm. seriously, WTF?

the rest of the evening consisted of him trying to get closer to me, and me being overly friendly to hide mounting disgust. at the end, i got a stinky hug, and dissuaded him from walking me to the subway. ever agree to something while in your head you already know you are going to do the exact opposite? "sure, yea, let's do lunch during the week! yea, that sounds GUH-REAT!. Yea, give me a call.". but what I really meant was "can you not fucking smell yourself?". long story made longer, brring brring, he calls me up during the workday for our lunch date. being the kind of lady who takes the bull by the horns, i ignored the phone call. I then monitored how many times the phone rang from his number. 3 messages. 8 calls. i felt horrible but justified.


but i did e-mail him - i said i didn't shy away, right? - and promptly lied. yea, i met someone...good luck...soap's good...bye. he was like "i'm so glad you found someone in this crazy city..." but all i'd really found was fresh air.

he was sweet though. in the beginning of our (2 week maaaax) courtship, he would write me really flattering e-mails which kinda weirded me out but i also enjoyed. you can't smell an e-mail, that's for dang sure!! one time he wrote me a song, using my name. that also gave me the heebie jeebies. but, yea, what girl doesn't want a song written about her, even if it's a little creepazoids?

FLASHBACK MORAL: Smell nice. And lying's ok to protect someone's feelings, especially your own.

FIN

*look out for more dating flashbacks!! let me know if you like them! because i'm thinking of compiling these into a fabulous and uplifting book tentatively titled DATING SNIPPETS TO MAKE YOU REALIZE WE ARE ALL ESSENTIALLY ALONE.

blogsphemy!

To anyone who actually checks this thing:

Mainly Me:

I realize this blog is in serious neglect. 2 months. No update?! What?!?!?!?! A shunde! (Shunde = yiddish for 'shame'). There's something else...I'm so sorry to tell you like this in cold, hard computer letters...

I have another blog. It's on myspace. http://blog.myspace.com/mollyreisner It's been so long, I forgot how to link on you. Jesus.

I've only done a couple posts there, but yea, I'm a 2-tymer. But don't feel too bad, I don't think it's gonna last. I don't think I can keep up 1 blog, much less two.

Give me one good reason to stick with you. I will, I swear, I will.

If you're curious about what I've been blogging, blog, you can meet myspace. We can all be friends, right? RIGHT???

yours...forever...

molly

non-seqs

ever say out loud to yourself, "might as well make myself useful around here!" before tackling a chore? like tonight i chuckled at myself and was like "molly, you better earn your keep!", then i did the dishes. that's right folks, i jes' crack m'self up!

why is radio shack still a shack? this store has been around since the dawn of radios. someone's not running the business right.

ok, so i bought a big tube of toothpaste the other day and felt like i had a comittment ceremony with Colgate Spearmint. I am stickin' by this flavor, for like 2-3 months!

?! - love this combo of punctuation. cuz the ? is clearly like "i don't get it? huh?" and the ! is like "totally! i know!" but ?! is something unique. it's like "i'm feeling incredulous?!"

sometimes there are moments when someone's talking and i'm like "FF!"

p.s. FF=fast forward

p.p.s. p.s.=post script

what do you do with your ex's leftovers?

throw them out!

I told someone I l-o-v-e-d their shirt, but i only really l-u-v-e-d it.

important ?

what's up with boys?

dear blog,

another delinquent posting from yours truly, the juvie. how many tears have i cried for you? none. i feel bad i haven't written in a while, but then again, it's not like you've written me either! hey passive-aggressive. ok, well, let's KIT, k? I mean f'reals, not F'FAKES! F'fakes is so '93, I'm over that 'tude, ya know? Hey blog, thanks. For being f'real.

luv,
molls-a-lots

i love signs in different countries. bahamas. conch. goldies. try it. goldie has gold teeth, solid.

revelation

i'd be seriously freaked if someone gave me a lifetime supply of nachos, and it was 4 servings. I'd be like "Um, do you know something I don't?"

guess who's blogging on a saturday night?

God: Just for kicks, I'm gonna put a freaky hole in the sky and see if anyone notices.

me - age 8ish - in my fanciest pac-man related outfit. note the string barrettes and smurf necklace. i love how the pinky belt is creating a waist. remember how those polaroid flashes plugged into the top?

heads up - i'm starting a male cheerleading team. practice takes place in my apartment. white t-shirts will serve as the uniform. must be goal oriented, enthusiastic, and have a winner's attitude.

omg! totally forgot to tell you guys. i had a baby!!! jk, it's my newest nephew, jonah. he's extremely cute, and you know what? he knows it.

you really need to order at THE BAR, OK. GOD!!!!

At the bar tonight, my pals and i sat at a table. the place was empty. the bartender lady comes over and says "if you want drinks, order at the bar since i'm the only one here tonight." UMMMMM, EVEN IF NO ONE IS AT THE BAR? WE KNOW NO ONE IS AT THAT BAR. unless...nah, ghosts don't drink!

reminds me of the shores of coney island (minus roller coaster, debris and lack of mountains).

When I own a house, I will definitely paint pictures of my favorite foods on the side. It will make me excited to prepare or purchase those foods, which I can then eat in the kitchen, inside my house.

totally new look!

i just COMEPLETELY revamped the ol' blog. Had to retype all my entries and comments which kept me real busy tonight. it'd be great if all I had to do was press a button to pick a new template but, ah well.

sunday night potpourri, part 4

Ever be really YOU - you know really ON - to the point where you feel like you're channeling... yourself?

folks, the potpourri is short tonight. i think i'll make it a weekly round-up sort of thing, instead of being so blog-se about it all.

oh, here's something. i don't get when people are so like "NO REGRETS, MAN." and they shake their heads with the wisdom of someone who'se been through it all, and they're like 26. Nooooo regrets. holy shit, sometimes my whole life feels like a festival of regret.

if you're a comedian and reading this, here's a term I made up you might relate to:

JOKESPLOSION.

That's what you call a joke-writing streak.

Use it!!! DO IT.

missed call

Whenevs I get a missed call, I automatically assume it's the person I want most to call me but never has. Sweet hope, inevs disspointment.

I'm starting to shorten words/make up new spellin's to the point where they sound strange even to me.

H to the - elp!

t-shirt idea

What about a t-shirt that says "Bear it, Don't Wear it." The message being, hey, keep your shit together man, stop flooding me with your angst.

sunday night potpourri, part 3

dear blog,

couple things clankin' around before i sign off for the night:

i have a fear that my lava lamp is going to erupt.

tip: don't ride a stationery bike while watching the tour de france. you'll feel like your going nowhere, fast.

the fact of the day from today's snapple lid said "jews are everywhere". it's true! that crazy exodus.

where are my generation's bob newharts?

xo,
molly

batman

guys (hi me!),

i just saw batman. not the real batman - the fictional version. is it my imagination, or does katie holmes look like she had a stroke? discuss (amongst myself!)

g'night,
molly (AKA me)

i'm really sensitive.

Is it weird to feel bad for the 'deleted scenes' on a DVD? Last night I found myself watching them out of pity, I hope they don't find out I fast-forwarded through the boring (all of them) ones!!

it's late

BLOG!!!! Hey. How ARE you'? I keep feeling this nagging sense that I'm disappointing you and you totally have the right to be pissed. I'm like that guy you have a crush on - you know the one - the one who gives you JUST enough to keep you interested. But never more. Checking in every coupla weeks - how you doing - that bullship (I'm trying not to curse). So, my sorries will just keep pouring into the big sorry well of life. Guess what's new? I'm drunk! Not really. This is going to be a really personal entry, my fingers are just tap-tappin' away with no consideration of consequences. JK! I'd never reveal anything too personal on this thing. Lord knows who GOOGLES me. So...I thought I'd solidify some thoughts I've been having.

1) I wonder what bathroom graffiti in a library would look like. Maybe something like: Kim heart F. Scott Fitzgerald!!! Or, maybe...For a good time, read Amy Tan bitch!!! Just wondering.

2) Let's not think about this too much, but I definitely feel a connection to Cameron Diaz. It's like, she's sooooooo goofy! Me too. Plus she digs J. Timbs and, yea, so do I, duh! I actually saw Justin in my work building several years ago. I was carrying my subsidized cafeteria lunch in a cardboard box, walking towards my elevator bank. He whooshed right past me, bodyguards behind me. My heart started beating real fast. I gawked. My heart went palpa (palpitated with lust). I was surprised how tall JT was - about 6 ft of GROOVE. Damn. Was that my chance? So back to Cameron, we're like twins and she knows it! In a way, she copies me. P.S. J.T. and I totally locked eyes - like two tigers.

3) What else can I ramble on...oh! Nothing.

4) Oh! I remember. JK! I'm drunk.

5) One more thing. My friend's grandma turned 95 recently. I told her "Well, you can't say you're in your early 90's anymore!". And I just chuckled up a storm while she asked me to repeat myself.

6) Hey! Good night. Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I'm gonna get? Right now, it'll be 6 hours if I go down instantly.

7) Hey. I'm still up.

8) Ok, this is ret*rded. And pleasing. Blog, a heartfelt goodnight and I'll really try this time...k? Sucker.

heart ya,
molly

P.P.S. because I already had a P.S. up there - just wanted to let you know I feel really complete right now. This is nice. I mean it. Seriousy, jeez!

segregation at the office

I just noticed a recycling bin in my office hallway that says "White Paper Only!!". What is this, 1952?

customized keyboard

I write craploads of e-mails every day and I'm starting to think that the standard computer keyboard could use an update. You know, one-touch phrase shortcuts. Here are some buttons I'd like to see on my keyboard:

"Per our conversation"
"Please let me know me if you have any questions"
"I can't wait to get the f out of work"

Convenient, right?

hey beautiful!

i was walking down the street and this guy said "hey beautiful" as i strolled by. i shrugged it off, until i relaized another woman was walking directly behind me. then i was like " wait a sec...WHO are you talking to!??!" I NEED TO KNOW. if it was me, cool, i'll accept the compliment silently. if it was her, i'm gonna find you a little bit hot.

my bad

sorry man,

it's been way too long. like almost a month. like i said, sorry. this month has really whizzed by. i feel bad about not writing, maybe i'm not cut out for this. what? you're not upset? i love you.

molly

You Know You're New Age When...

you buy a crystal and you mean it.

You Know You've Got an Edge When...

you eat a Big Mac while watching SuperSize Me. Try it...and feel what it's like to walk on the dark side.

You Know A Movie Isn't Great When...

the only time you laugh is during the blooper reel. This was the case with Bride & Prejudice. This movie would have been a RIOT had the entire thing be bloopers of each scene. One blooper after another. 90 minutes of bloopers. Then the trailer would be the blooper-free scenes, spliced together real quick. Brilliant!

Good Morning!

Nothing like waking up on a Saturday morning to a man outside screaming I DON'T GIVE A FUCK for 12 minutes.

My arms are so long...

that when I stretch them out I hug the whole world! Here I go...did you feel that? Let me know!

Kirk Cameron Update

In case you were wondering what K.C. is up to post Growing Pains...if you're not wondering, that's fine too.

I AM SO EXCITED BUT ALSO CONFUSED!!!

I just read my horoscope, and it says the stars have something in store for me...

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???

I hope I can fall asleep tonight!

You Know You Spend Too Much Time Typing When...

you consider handwriting a form of drawing.

Happy Ash Wednesday! (from a Jew!)

When I asked my friend at work what she's giving up for Lent, she said "Jews."

Tricks to Eating Healthy

Folks! It turns out that eating cooked broccoli or carrots tastes REALLY good if you already have sour cream and butter in your mouth. Try it and let me know what you think.

C'mon, Do You Really Need That Cane?

Crossing the slushy street last night, I saw a man walking a little too jauntily with his cane. Like it was a distinguished prop. There was something about the way he bounced it along the pavement that made me question his need for it. In a way, I felt like he was mocking real cane-users with his exaggerated jauntiness - as if to say "Hey, look at this cane-jazz! I can walk fine with out it, but I'd rather not!"

OR...maybe I'm reading too much it.

Bahamas!

My friend Lida and I, en route to snorkeling, sun and spiked rum punch!

Yellow Bird! Yellow Bird! I wanna set you free! Oh wait, you're just a boat.

The opposite of rage.

You Know You Are A Computer Geek If...

when someone asks whether you prefer Mac or PC you answer "That's a loaded question!"

You know you are an emoticon dorkitronious if someone asks if you use smily faces when you sign-off and you answer "It totally depends."

Bahama Snapshots - The Short List

Here are some pics from my recent trip to the Bahamas. I cavorted with animals, ate a lot of shrimp and transformed briefly into a butterfly! Do you believe in magic? You will after seeing these...or not.


This was taken after a flamingo "got curious" and nipped my ass. I think it was the one directly to the right, looking the other way like nothing happened.

Wait, so you're posing as a flamingo WITH a bunch of flamingos? Genius!

Um...this is getting awkward.

Yea, I know my feathers are gorgeous but that doesn't mean I'm gonna fan 'em for you, no matter how much you chase me around the zoo.

Stop looking at me with those imploring peepers Mr. Goat! OK, it worked. I'll buy you some goat snacks.

This picture is worth 6 words.

Meet Bobbi, an endangered macaw!

Hey...that butterfly looks like Molly!

Underselling Your Anger

Telling someone you are 'super-duper' mad probably does not have the same effect as telling them you are f'ing pissed. But don't say 'pissed as all get out', that's weaker then 'really steamed.'

Irrelevant Actor Tried to Make Self Relevant on World Stage

Read this nugget on Richard Gere's attempt to get Palestinians to vote. An important reminder that American Gigolo, Pretty Woman and, oh heck, all of Mr. Gere's canon aren't 'must-sees' for Palestinians.

See ya!

Sometimes when I say 'See ya' I add in my head 'wouldn't wanna be ya'. Even if I DO want to be that person! Like:

1) Gwyneth Paltrow with her bouncy Apple and hottie hubs
2) The person who gets to be a nacho taster for a living
3) Carrot Top

But I haven't met any of the above...yet!

Although I do mean 'wouldn't wanna be ya' to the following:

1) Tracy Gold
2) The person who gets to be a blueberry and olive taster for a living
3) A parrot that can't speak

Who's Your Daddy?

aka Who's The Asshole Actor Pretending to Be Your Daddy?


p.s. I totally cried when T.J. picked her dad. Then felt weirded out when she met her 3 half-sibs. And then plain retarded when she met her biological mother. I really hope this show was fake.

Pine Bros. Lozenges: What Happened?

GUYS! Remember those soft, sticky throat "lozenges" manufactured by Pine Bros? They came in boxes of cherry, honey and multi-flavored. I went through thousands of those suckers in the '80s. On and off for the past 15 years I've been wondering where the hell they've been...not wanting to believe they are truly off the market and not just lurking on some godforsaken country store shelf.

I got curious last night. Real curious. Do others miss Pine Bros.? Do others remember like I do? Or were they just a flash-in-the-pan kind of lozenge? I was pleased to see there is dialogue about my beloved PBLs. People are honoring them. People remember.

Now who can tell me what happened to DYNAMINTS? My God, I miss those.

A Pretty Cool Name for a Terrible Harp-Rock Band

Duel Vibrations.

Also, I think there should be a new genre of music that incorporates the glockenshpiel. Glock N' Roll anyone? Let's make it happen!

don't make me count!

Listening to someone try to do some simple math out loud is like mind control. Because you can't help but figure out the damn problem too. The other day this dude was in the elevator with me, ticking off numbers he was adding. I was like "no...no! i'm not adding them, i'm really not. 128! dammit."

Happy (C)Hanu(k)ka(h) Guys!

cold, november rain.

November makes me think of sweet Axl Rose. A rocker, a troubled soul, a man who looks horrible in braids.

I miss the days when Axl looked fierce.

A reminder that male braids are not always the right choice when updating your image.

Guess who just learned how to hyperlink!

Hi world (world = my readership of 4),

Apologies for disappointing you for the past month with nary a blog. I need some inspiration. Maybe I'll find it in these arms. Whoah!

love,
molly

hot steamy train

Yea, I take the train to work...HA HA HA! This is near Allentown, PA - my hometown. where steam engine trains are NOT a thing of the past. Well, a little bit in the past.

it's nice to point at your ears every now and then.

INCREDIBLE PIZZA ALERT

Last night I dreamt about pizza. Because earlier I actually ate the f'ing best I've ever had in my life. DiFara's - Avenue J and 14th st - I'm talking BROOKLYN. I'm talking take the Q train to Ave J at once and fall into a pie like none other.

It's a real unassuming place when you walk in. A bunch of long tables and chairs scattered awkwardly about. Tiers of people circled the counter, hushed, watching the owner, Domminick, and his daughter carefully and quietly make pizza. There was no yelling, no rush. Everyone was patient, and respectful. This place has been around for a long time, a real neighborhood joint. My friend and I wisely changed our order from a bunch of slices to our own pie.

We waited. And waited. People around us waited. There was anticipation, and hunger, and excitement. When our pie came out, I nearly didn't know what do with myself. Sweet Domminick gave us a plate of freshly grated parmesan to sprinkle on top. We shuttled over to a table and ate our first slices in silence. The cheese slides right off if you're not careful. Olive oil collects in the crevices of cheese and sauce. The crust is light and crunchy. Onlookers gazed at our pizza as if it were a work of art. Which it is. I ate half a pie.

The pizza was so good, as I was eating I was worried about when I would be back. When? When? Soon, so very soon.

yea, i lost your number...

Every now and then, I go through my cell phone list and delete people who make me sad and annoyed looking at their name because I used to like them and looking at their name reminds me of all the time and energy wasted thinking about how cute and awesome they are. In a frenzied fit of mild irritation, I erase their digits, thinking "HA! You'll never know that I can no longer reach you. And that is true power."

I recently had to re-ask someone for their number and there's just nothing you can say to explain why it's mysteriously "disappeared." Yea, I scrolled through my phone, you didn't make the cut, and I pressed delete. My phone totally did exactly what I wanted it to at the time, it's soooo messed up!

Hey Blog, I'm baaaack! For now.

omigod, my life is SO crazy!!!

Before I start this entry, let me just say I don't remember how to spell 'unecessary'. Part of me wants to just flat out double up on every letter. Now THAT would be uunneecceessaarry.

OK!

Ever meet someone who unecessarily emphasizes what they're saying, ya know, really AMPS it up, to make it seem like what they are saying is super exciting?

Holy Shit! I just had THE craziest week. Check it - I went to work every day. OUT OF CONTROL! I had like 1-2 quick meetings EVERY day. Went to the gym TWICE, and bumped into ONE friend in the train this morning.

Dude, the only thing you've emphasized is how BORING you are.

hey blog.

soooo, what's up? i know, i've been out of touch. i'm sorry. no, i really am. i'm not gonna say it's because i've been busy - that's such a lame excuse. i know and you know that we make time for things if we want to. i could list all the reasons why i haven't blogged but it's insulting to our relationship. not to mention that somehow in all this not-blogging i've managed to sleep a whole bunch and eat a bunch of nachos. OF COURSE I HAVEN'T! omigod, NO! i haven't been busy reading other people's blogs. why would you think such a thing? i must really disappoint you. oh blog, can we start over? please? i miss the way you publish my posts - so willingly, without judgement. you're happy i stopped by? that means so much. thank you. now that i'm here, i realize just how much i've missed you. i'll be back, soon. oh, ok - cross my heart! better?

love,
your creator and pal,
molly

I was so hungry...

it wasn't even funny!

Often times, if not always, when people say "it wasn't even funny" they are right. It isn't. Being soooo hungry or sooooo tired or sooooo wasted is not hilarious. Although it is extreme!

Happy new year...

to all the Jews! May your year be sweet and lovely. I went to temple yesterday for Rosh Hashana. This older dude played the shofar like I've never heard before. His notes were long and powerful, hard to believe there were no holes in that twisty ram's horn for note adjustment. Afterwards, I played some mean air-shofar on the temple steps.

Happy 5765!

Weekday Word Association

My brain likes to make meaningless associations with words and other words. Here's what I'm thinking about the WEEKDAYS:

MONDAY is MUNDANE
TUESDAY is a FLOOZY
WEDNESDAY is WINDY (long 'i')
THURSDAY is THIRSTY
FRIDAY is FRIED EGGY

See? No sense. It's just A LOT of folly. Thanks goodness the weekdays are out of my system!!!

Sunday night potpourri, part 2

Nectarines and tangerines aren't related (except that they are both fruit, is that enough?) yet they both have 'ines' on the end. Huh!

My new ibook is so smooth and buttery. I'd like put a finn crisp underneath and take a little bite.

Random thoughts! Random thoughts. These are my random thoughts. WOW!

OK, I guess I should turn in for the night. Tomorrow is gollydang Monday. Goodnight blog! Keep me safe from the monsters under my bed.

The Greyhound Gang

Avoid Greyhound buses at all costs. Unless you like your fellow bus members creepy. I created a new word for creepy people: CREOPLES!

secret subway couples

Ever see 2 people on the subway, sharing a pole, and you sense they are a couple but aren't sure since they are reading and not looking at each other. They don't make much eye contact or touch each other in a way you can discern as couply, and yet...yet you SUSPECT they are. And your thoughts are confirmed when one of them is getting ready to get off the train. Only then do they speak, perhaps finishing up a convo they had earlier that morn, like that 45 minutes of non-acknowledgement just didn't happen. Out of the blue the woman will be like "Peanuts grow underground! Have a great day sweetie." Cryptic.

hey, small talker!

You, the one with not a lot to say! You talk small, and I like it. Come again? Oh, yes, it is a sunny day! Just lovely. I know, everyone is outdoors walking around. So busy, busy on the streets on such a nice day. What? Oh I know. It's been such a great summer. Not too hot. Yea, it is too bad that it's ending, but I'm excited to wear layers too. Labor Day? Oh, I'm headed to the Jersey shore. You said it! It's going to be very crowded. A lot of people on the beach, but hey, it's TO BE expected on a holiday weekend. How? Oh, I'm taking the casino bus. You get almost all your money back when you redeem the coupon inside the casino. I know! Casinos sure can afford to do that since they make so much money. Oh, no! No, I don't gamble. It depresses me to see people throw away money they can't afford. You have to go now? Bye Small Talker! Let's small-talk again soon!

help! i've fallen and...

i can get up but it's TOUGH!

i think someone should create a service for young, single people who hurt themselves at home but don't want to burden friends with a hospital trip or to fetch prescriptions/supplies from the crappy rite-aid.

sick? just press the button on your new white-trash gold "medallion" necklace and a fresh-faced helper comes to the rescue with fresh o.j. and tissues. no questions asked, no guilt-trips made.

who's with me?

guess who got a digital camera!!!

okayyy...i'll LOOK at the camera but that's IT! my nephew Josh, future heartbreaker.

Sammy

Behold the future of the Reisners - we're in good hands.

ny's best kept secret - where ladies really go to score.

post-headshots - feeling pretty glam in my pancake make-up. awesome cheek shine!

my friend matthew is adorable.

yeaaaa, it's been awhile

omigoodness! i don't have time for this blog right now but i'm gonna do it anyway. typing furiously, like a crazy-crazed lady with the devil in her eyes.

FIRE!

it's in my eyes because i am so crazy crazed.

MEETINGS!

bo-ring.

NACHOS!

on my mind 24/7.

THONGS!

never.

hot 97

A friend said that only puerto ricans and black people listen to hip-hop radio station HOT 97. That's not true. I listen, I mean I don't understand what they are saying, but still!

a note on brioches

A brioche tastes like challah except for the undertones of anti-semitism. SLAM!

don't it always seem to go...

that you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

This is especially true when certain people like you and you don't like them back that way, but then they go and get themselves people who like them that way and THEN you start liking them more and more and MORE.

Thank goodness this has never happened to me!!(!)

(don't) pass the mic

Before our last Laugh Sucka! show, my comedy compadre, Melanie, and I, handed out fliers for the show. At first I tried a loud, jokey approach - "AWESOME AND FUN FREE COMEDYS SHOW!!!!!!" One gentleman greeted me with "You're awesome!" and snubbed my outstretched flier-laden hand.

Then I toned it way down.

So in a casual, familiar voice I casually, familiarly approached passerbys. "Hey, like comedy? It's free." Or sometimes i'd just be silently shaking with tears.

OK - FF (fast-forward) to the show. We netted 2 people from the street. Both old men who had nowhere else to go. The 1st one left after 5 minutes. The 2nd guy stayed the whole time. He wore a white undershirt with a special homeade message:

I'm sorry.
I forgot.
My brain is full of shit.

Actually, it wasn't even that, but something like it that made less sense. Of course his t-shirt gets some notice during the show - it's what we call "talking to the crowd" in comedy-speak. Melanie invites him up to speak after all the comics go up. It is clear he has something he wants to say. He gets up and apologizes for stuttering then launches into several minutes of incoherent sentences, peppered with "fuck yous" and other curses. I think he had Tourettes and couldn't help himself. His first sentence was kinda funny - "It's taken me 25 years to say a full sentence" but then he lost his focus. Watching him struggle with words made me uncomfortable, but he got a kick out of having the mic. So, sometimes comedy can turn into one big, crazy mitzvah - even if it makes you squirm.

i'll try anything once!

Really? Like... clean your bits of hair out of the sink once? Or maybe sweep stray garlic skin off the kitchen floor once? I thought so, daredevil.

As you can sense, I do not like when people proclaim they will try anything once, when clearly they would not. I realize they are using this statement in regards to an adventure (jumping out of a plane, threesome etc.) but the attitude behind it is irritating AND annoying. Don't say you are going to try anything once, just do it.

[end rant]

shin-tastic

BORING ALERT:

Last night I BASHED my shin in the middle of the night. It's startling how intense pain can make you feel angry and vulnerable all at once. After returning from my mid-nightly trip to the bathroom (what, this isn't normal?)I decided to take a running jump...into my sharp-edged uninstalled air conditioner. I hopped around my room, clutching my bruised, torn shin, yelling at myself for my stupid clumsiness. After some ice and ibuprofen, I was feeling... shin-tastic! I love healing.

POV: carbs

Carbs are a real "hot-button" debate issue happening in the world of nutrition education and diet fads. But why aren't our presidential candidates talking about their carb intakes? I have no idea where they stand. Does Kerry eat rolls at fancy Demmie dinners, even perhaps with a little pat of butter? Does Bush eat donuts on his "Donuts Are Good For America!!!" campaign in high donut-eating-per-capita states?

I wonder.

Personally, I am a pro-carber at heart. BUT - every now and then a little anti-carb sentiment creeps in. Society? I blame it. The other night I was enjoying an old-fashioned roll - still dusty on top with flour. Mid-gobble, I reflected on the airiness of the texture on the inside and I thought "It's a little airy - a little airy. Less carbs." I bring up this incident to illustrate the power of collective carb fear on this staunch supporter of bread.

Back to the election. My vote's up for grabs. If I see Kerry in a pro-carb photo op, I'm all his. Although a well-timed donut tour from Bush could really sway me...deciding is SO hard!