bald celebrities no one would miss but will be on tv until the end of time.

meet howie! bald, tanned, skeevy soul patch. poor howie has gone through so many bad suits in his life. please don't start a celebrity endorsed suit line howie! omg, what if he does? he probably has a deal already with macy's.

i'm not sure if joey's shirt is part of some western costume look or if he's wearing it genuinely. what causes more disturbance is his muscly crafted chest bursting out of his stretchy to the navel shirt. and i can't even talk about the choker. this is not the lovable floppy haired joey i remember from blossom.

Something to Chew On:
Is Joey Lawrence my generation's Howie Mandel? When I'm 53, Joey is going to be hosting some insane game show botoxed out of his mind.*

Who's with me?

xo
molly

*will Tivo

New series! Us Weekly Weekly.

I have lots of feelings about Us Weekly Magazine. Here are some of them!

phrase change alert!

instead of saying "hey, i'm gonna go home", try "hey, i'm gonna fly back to my nest."

let me know how it goes!

love,
molly "urban phrase changer/trendsetter of words strung together" reisner

p.s. please start using this phrase asap.

it's true! #34

welcome to "it's true!", a new series where i let you in on a little something that is totally true.

and here we go...!

ready?

ok.

one sec...

aaaaah, perfect!

it's true! #34:

you know what feels exactly like winning the lottery?

winning the lottery.

love,
molly

p.s. the first 33 "it's true"s are all insane arithmetic equations aka 3+5-3=5. i spared you reading about them.

on my mind #6,982

living in bustling nyc, i think it's important to stop and smell the laundry exhaust. mmmmm! i love laundry smoke! it's such a homey smell, especially appreciated when you're walking down a dank, wet street. is that tide mixed with a sheet of bounce i smell? YES IT IS!

so frickin' yummy

I CAN'T TAKE IT! if i could marry a food, it would be nachos. if i could have an affair, it would be with these little nugget buggers. ANDES CANDIES!!!! they've wormed their shiny green wrappers into my hands, and into my heart. and into my squishers (aka love handles). got a box of these last week, can't seem to eat less than seven at a pop. they're so GD good. minty mint chocolate, mmmmmm! my only gripe is that they don't make them bigger. it's 2008! can't they manufacture a normal candy bar size already? then i'd only have to unwrap one much larger shiny green wrapper, instead of seven. i used to eat these when i was little too, man, andes and i go way back. i love memory foods. and i love creating new memories involving food. food + molly = being alive and ENJOYING it. i know i sound crazed in this post, that's what food love does to me.

peace n' andes n' nachos,

molly

kmart/astor place fantasy

i was in the kmart today wishing i was in target.

but guys, kmart's trying! their aisles teem with martha stewart goods - periwinkle towels, shell soap holders, linen napkins. but let's face it. martha ain't no isaac (mizrahi). they even had a DVF (diane von furstenburg) like dress in their women's clothing area, but it made me sad. like in 6th grade when debbie wore a coca-cola branded rugby shirt instead of the uber-fashionable blue or green benetton rugby. i'm not proud to say that my friends and i snickered at her rugby. we snickered hard. back to 2008. to sum up, the kmart dress was like a knock off of target's DVF knock-offs. kmart's just not cool enough to have a straight up knock-off of DVF, but they're trying! and the trying is what saddens me, but that's my own issue. i left kmart with 2 sets of martha stewart pillowcases (200 count, y'all! but who's counting? HA HA!) and increased american pride at having shopped at an old-school retailer trying to remain relevant in these target-heady times.

thanks for reading if you read this which i guess you did if you're reading this!

love,
crazy aunt molly

2008 - Reflections!

As I look back on 2008, I can't help but feel nostalgic for all the memories I've accrued this year. Spending time with loved ones and perfecting my hard-boiled egg to name two! Time feels so compressed, do you know what I mean? It's weird, but New Year's eve feels like it was only 25 days ago! In my last post, I made some pretty big resolutions, and I can safely say I've moderately achieved at most one to two. There's not much time left in the year, but I do hope to keep my eye on the ball and really nail some of the harder goals I've set for myself. For me, personally, 2008 has been about reaching, reaching and REACHING some more! Thank goodess my arms are long!!! And THANK YOU, Dear Reader, for "filling up my tank" with your energy and wisdom (which I can only guess at as you are not very forthcoming comment leavers!).

Here's to a wonderful homestretch for 2008!

love and i'm rooting for you,
molly

hey gang! (hey me!) i'm headed to deutscheland aka germany aka land of few jews tonight! excited to increase the jewish population in the town i'll be visiting, augsburg. it's going to be absolutely freezing there, so am looking forward to warming up with lots of delicious pints. a happy new year to you, dearest reader! some '08 rezzies from the top of my head without really thinking too much about them:

1) finish screenplay and make sure it makes sense
2) continue to enjoy nachos, and cheese in general
3) cut down on dilly-dallying but ok to dilly-dally a little
4) advance to hard on guitar hero
5) write more jokes

i've got like 47 more probably but this is a good start, right? right!

love ya,
mol

it is disconcerting to switch seats on the plane because of balance concerns.

e-mail to the sun

dear sun,

how are you? i haven't seen you in awhile and just wanted to check in to make sure everything's alright. i heard through matt you've been chilling at home a lot. you have got to come out tomorrow dude! the gang misses you. sure, a couple people were pissed this summer when things got intense with your rays. but everyone's cool now (except for dave, but he's a douche). ANYWAY, i don't want to beg or nothing like that. any time you are in the mood to hang, party, whatevs - i am game. god, i miss you. i miss the way you dapple my face. i miss those crazy shadows you make. but most of all, i miss your irrepressible cheer.

love,
molly

p.s. call me when u get this

new phrase alert!!

just decided (like 4 minutes ago, it's so fresh!!) to start saying "i have the milds" for guys i sorta like who aren't that cute. so far no one falls into this category but i'm itchin' to get a lo-grade crush! just so i can honestly use this newly minted phrase. i guess you could also say "i have the mediums" but i dig the word mild better, i think. hmmmm, now i'm on the fence - milds or mediums? PANEL DISCUSH! what do you think, dear reader?

a hearty and healthy shabbat shalom to my jewish readers!

love,
molly "divisive shout-out" reisner

no one cares about this but yours trules...

i went to TEKSERVE today to drop off my drool-infested macbook. maybe i need to get out of the 718 more, every time i head into "the city" these days it feels like a large journey. i pack beef jerky. a peanut butter granola bar. and a canister of water! it's 1843! not to get off topic but where can I purchase a big-wheeled covered wagon?

So I'm at TEKSERVE. They are so honest there. As soon as I get in the door, the gentleman who hands out tickets alerts me it's going take at least 45 mins. I got time. Because I don't work in an office anymore! I'm waiting and waiting, crack open a book and read intently but am secretly waiting and then at times overtly eavesdropping...and then I wait some more. I see two cute shaggy guys who emit this really friendly aura. We keep making eye contact and they seem stoned. One of them says "Should we get Rick?". I casually look around and see:Sweeet! It's Ric!!! Ric Ocasek. He looks exactly like this, except a little older. Dangling earring, black jeans, black shaggy/spiky hair, sunglasses. He is so frigging cool. The Cars rock. Ric shambled around the store, waiting with all of us waiters. He was toting a black computer, natch.

I dedicate your lyrics to you Ric - and to those 2 friendly cute guys who are Ric's posse.
And to the staff at TEKSERVE. Thanks for not making me feel embarassed for drooling into my spacebar:

who's gonna tell you when

it's too late

who's gonna tell you things

aren't so great

you can't go on

thinking nothing's wrong

who's gonna drive you home tonight


who's gonna pick you up

when you fall

who's gonna hang it up

when you call

who's gonna pay attention

to your dreams

who's gonna plug their ears

when you scream


you can't go on

thinking nothing's wrong

who's gonna drive you home tonight


who's gonna hold you down

when you shake

who's gonna come around

when you break

love,
molly

tip #9,074

When you're brushing your teeth whilst hovering over laptop, and a little bit of toothpaste drool escapes from your gaping mouth and seeps into your spacebar and you don't think too much about it...THINK TOO MUCH ABOUT IT! I ruined my keyboard in a similar (exact) fashion.

In other words:

Drool + Keyboard = A funny moment that later turns into several moments of self-loathing and despair followed by an uncomfortable call to Tekserve topped off by a prayer to G-d to please fix spacebar and y,h,n letters and the +/= button too.

There is a part of me that hopes G-d is reading my blog. Like, for reals.
Sweet dreams,
molly

cute bordering on i can't take it

i can't tell if these kittens were sedated so they'd stay in their mugs or WHAT but i think the photogs truly captured the essence of what makes kittens so GD adorable! GRRRYAYAYYAAAWWWWWW!!!

i 'm going to cafe press the shit outta this. kittens in mugs ON A MUG! check back soon for product links.

info on my burgeoning career!

Do you know why my hands need to stay looking young or at least moisturized? Because i am inching my way up the hand model industry pole! i haven't formally announced anything yet because it's still all new, but i am breaking into the biz...i guess my hands are unstoppable!



shall we take a look? let's! my most lucrative hand modeling gig to date! photo still used in razr cell phone tv spot.


hands/head shot - now, most hands models don't usually have this kind of pic (including the face) , they usually just do the hands. a lot of clients really just like my kooky look, i guess!


thumb photo- will be used in a sign language photo-instructional manual. it's a one-gesture joke amongst many sign language users. the above photo means, "i wish you could hear me, because my hands are getting tired!" in sign language.


sideview, spreaded fingers - hand will be photoshopped into a TGIFridays print ad for their new item, "Curiously Lumpy But I'll Eat 'Em Anyway Chicken Littles". It will look like I'm grabbing for a handful of delicious TGIF food!



and lastly, the "headshot" for my hands.

So, if next time you see me and my paws are encased in lotion-lined gloves, please don't be po'd if i can't take my gloves off during dinners out. my hands now need to be in a constant state of lotion-absorption. it's crazy! but i do it.

thanks for sharing my interest in my new career,
love,
molly

b-washed by the googs

i think i'm spending too much time ADD'ing out on the internet. whenever a question pops into my brain that i can't answer on my own (which is most of the time), i lunge towards google. so now, when i'm in a real conversation with someone, like face2face, and they ask me something...i literally fake google the query into a search box in my brain. the problem with this method is...no links. nothin' comes up.

just a lone image of nachos, circa 1986:

a convincing lie is to tell someone you are a model for hair dye boxes. these are some ways to make it believable:

1) KNOW YOUR BRANDS - don't mix-up your garniers with your clairols with your loreals. look smart!

2) KNOW THE NAME OF THE DYE YOU MODELED - is it chardonnay or ginger ale? be sure.

3)IF YOU GET CAUGHT - act like you were joking the whole time. besides, who lies about being a hair dye box model?

tip #3,689

next time you eat beets, put a post-it note on the bathroom mirror that says "you ate beets!" when you pee pink, just refer to post-it for reason.

FOLKS! hey. what is UP? lay it on me. GUYS!!! i'm back in town. i was away for a coupla weeks, speeding in a gold ford taurus up the west coast of america. may i share some moments?



you'll have to crane your neck a bit to catch this doozy! i found this outfit to be the coziest for driving 1,700 miles. wore it every other day.



just turn your monitor on its side to get a lookie at this elegant toilette at the famous madonna inn, just a couple miles south of san luis obispo! google madonna inn to check out their nutty rooms! sorry, links are hard for me.





lisa and molly in front of wads of ABC gum in BUBBLEGUM ALLEY! in the heart of san luis obispo. that alley was so goofy and wacky yet loveable too.


the views along big sur were SICK! they were so sweet. ohmaga! seriously, if you're ever feeling like there is no beauty left in the world, go to big sur and sture. i mean, stare.

another monitor-turner. the mind boggles and the heart quickens when around the magnificent redwoods. i found the r-woods to be magical and slightly creepy.



and that concludes my slideshow! lots of other photos were taken, as well. apologies for my circa 1874 blogging skills. it's cool to be back in the 718, but i do miss the freedom of the open road, as experienced inside my gold ford taurus rental, with gps system. i'll be back west coast! oh yes.

love n' fluff n' nutters,

molly