uh oh guys, it's...

INSTIGATING AWKWARD MOMENTS NIGHT!!

Tonight I plan to make one or more people slightly uncomfortable with a delicate combination of invasive questioning and aggressive humor. I can't wait!

my new pick-up line!

"Do you want to head back to my place and fill out my dress with a baby?"

This only works if your'e wearing one of those maternity-lite dresses that make you wonder if she is or isn't "you know what".

potpourri sentence of the day

My roomate Jenn said the best sentence of the day:

"The old chinese man seemed very concerned that I didn't have a napkin"

it was a real "you had to be there moment".

'night,
molly

mtv spot y'all

Watch the re-cut version of Vagina Etiquette on MTV's Short Cirtcuitz show Thursday, June 21 @ 10:30pm on your TV! It's also here.

love,
molly "keepin' it proper" reisner

please don't wear message shirts that make me sad for you

i saw a girl on the train today wearing a shirt that said "overexposed" and i was like "are you? because i've never seen your face before."

other message t-shirts that are depressing:

- i survived the holocaust!
- homeless people do it better.
- ithaca is gorges.

happy thursday fanbase! and a special shout-out to my manbase (my male fans i can only assume i have. hi dad!)

british lurrrrve,
molly

a complete lie or failure to achieve goal OR a pretty funny joke if intended as such - click on me

your lucky june 13th awaits you in the below triple post!

so guys - this is my 3rd post today. I'VE NEVER POSTED THIS MUCH IN MY LIFE! if you're an avid mollyreisner.blogspot reader such as myself, then you understand that blogging happens so preciously little. i've decided to give my readers a gift today...enjoy .

all my love (though i don't have that much to give),
molly

it's time for real time thoughts! that just happened! like, now!!

guys,

i just took a big whiff of my hair and stated to my living room "I'm glad I'm clean!"

is that weird?

be honest...i can take it. in small amounts.

love n' stuff,
molly

TATER POTS!

tater pots!
tater pots!
perfect for growing your favorite herb.
tater pots!
tater pots!

the tater pot with that "you know what I'M growing" wink is my favorite. Yeah, i KNOW what you're growin' tater! it looks like basil or maybe mint.

the tater pot with the open smile just diarreahed and feels incredible relief!

and the tater pot with the yellow legs is depressed but trying to be brave.

tater pots!
tater pots!
let's be friends.

love,
molly

reluctant gum-giving: a photo series

these are all the various stages of reluctance i go through when i give away my last piece of gum. i try to keep it to myself.

new website!!

if you're like me, A BLUE SKY THINKER, you probably have a running list of amazing ideas such as figuring out a way to make your favorite foods float around you at all times.

if you're like me, SOMEONE WITH MEDIOCRE TO POOR FOLLOW-THROUGH, then you probably don't do much to make those ideas a reality.

So check out my new website: www.someoneelsedothis.com where I will post my ideas for a productive person to seize upon! Problem is I need someone else to create this website for me.

an open letter to honeybees (everywhere)

dear honeybees,

where ya at? i read on the cnn.com that you guys are playing a global game of "we're disappearing at an alarmingly rapid rate with no explanation why."

come back! we need you. and not just for the selfish reasons of wanting you to pollinate flowers and plants so we can continue eating:

HONEY



FRUIT IN GENERAL



ALL KINDS O' NUTS


we miss your "can-do" personality that subsequently allows us to eat apples, nuts, avocados, soybeans, asparagus, broccoli, celery, squash, cucumbers, citrus fruit, peaches, kiwi, cherries, blueberries, cranberries, strawberries, cantaloupe and other melons.

we love you honeybees! you're a true talent, especially at the "providing food for humans" thang! we will never take you for granted again (until we find a way to create these foods without your help.)

we've organized a welcome back pollinating party for when you return! free honeybee-sized ipods for you too! music really helps the honeybee work-a-day go much faster.

also, no need to be embarrassed about your sudden disappearance. if it was a heroine bender or whatever, we are here for YOU!

much love and need,

molly

april 17 - the highs and the lows

i'm not even gonna introduce it. oh no! i think i just did.

oh heckles be jeckles! let me get a little more formal then ...

(violently clears throat)

ladies and gentlegayfolk,

here below it is my pleasure to share with you the below record-breaking all-time best and worst moments of my day.

BEST: having a liberating "i can change my life if i want to!" kind of feeling for a couple hours in a row

WORST: being paralyzed by a "I can change my life if i want to." kind of feeling for a couple hours in a row

sweet dreams readership!

molly

guess who's blowing into town?

my old buddy- THE NOR'EASTER!!!!

is anyone scared?

don't be. Nor'Easter might lift up your body and slam it into a tree, but she doesn't mean it.

Nooooooooooooooooor'Easter!

No-no-don't-blow-me-into-a-treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

if you are frightened by Nor'Easter I've set up a shelter at my home. Provisions include:

Guitar Hero (2 player)
Homeade popcorn
A viewing of Britney Spears' debut film, Crossroads
Minute by minute updates of Noreastie
Spotty internet access
A viewing of Britney Spears last HBO special
Pure fear
Dancing


Come!

love,
molly

Breaking News...guess who won Guitar Hero II on MEDIUM!?!?!?!?!

Thanks.

It was a harrowing, passionate rendition of Free Bird that launched me into Guitar Hero status. Now I can legitimately offer guitar (hero) lessons if I'm ever down n' out!

it's march 20th!

it's so hard to find up to the minute celeb news. between tmz, perez and pink - i just don't feel like i'm covering all my bases. thank g-d i subscribe to us weekly!

best moment today: eating 2 desserts, both chocolate, spaced about 2 hours apart

worst moment today: hmmm...it was a really good day. maybe...nope. okay, if i HAD to pick one then it'd be putting my cat to sleep.

night!

love,
me (aka molldred (my full name) )

no events scheduled

hey fans,

it's kinda lame i have no shows booked. if you miss my jokes, i've started a 1-900 number where you can here me LIVE tell you a special joke. Choose from such topics as:

dating
work
pillows suffocating you
being jewish
weed
the alphabet...AND SO MUCH MORE!

1-900-mol-jokes. It's 24 hugs a minute. You have to hug me (like you mean it) 24 times for every 60 seconds of joke telling I deliver. I want to hear my special 1-900 phone ding-a-ling!

yours,
molly

3,000 visitors!!!!

So my sitemeter says I am 2 people away from having 3k visitors to ye olde blog. WOW!!!!*

keep on readin',
love not luv,
molly

*2800 are from me

guitar heroine

Hey Gang,

If you are having trouble getting a hold of me, it's because I have this really big gig in Detroit Rock City and need to practice a sh*tload.

Peace,
Judy Nails

Seriously, guys, I am turning into a 13 yo boy. I bought a PS2 just for guitar hero. No jo-joke.

upside: My air guitar is so on point these days as a result.
downside: nothing forseeable. maybe the streaming fretboard of colored notes constantly running through my mind as I try to fall asleep. A smidge of carpal tunnels.

tags: woodwork, coming out of, secret, love, molly, terrorists

if you are scared to let me know you are harboring a deep, secret crush on me - i just wanted to take the time to let you know that it's cool and if you are feeling shy or whatever - that's cool but i would love to know who you are...and you know who you are...and v-day is right around the corner and wouldn't this be the perf time to reveal your paralyzing, soul-obsessed crush on yours truly? seriously, feel free to e-mail with the blow-by-blow account of how much you adore me and i promise a personal response.

is it weird to constantly refer to oneself as "yours truly"?

for those of you who are harboring terrorists and NOT secret crushes on Yours Truly, please do not fill me in on the specifics.

if you are harboring both - let's talk.

love YOU...

maybe.....?

mol

p.s. see above for what i look like in case you forgot

let 'em know where you stand

above please find the latest pattern from Vans. are you pro-leaf pattern or anti? don't believe all those jokers who say this is the gateway shoe. i might need to get a pair, ya know, for the weekend.

I wish Trader Joe's was like an old-timey trading post where you could bring in anything for a trade. Below are some comparable trades:

1 Gin Blossom's CD (unscratched!!) = bag of TJ walnuts
4 batik wall hangings (circa 1995) = bar of tea tree oil soap
1 J. Crew hunter green anorak (circa 1988) = bottle of TJ special reserve merlot

or I guess I could just donate the stuff.

champagne and my secret life

Last night after seeing amazing, epiphany inducing new years eve fireworks (see below entry), my pals and I uncorked a big one - champagne bottle that is...hee hee (don't know why i'm hee hee'ing but it feels appropriate)...and WE DRANK RIGHT THERE ON THE SIDEWALK!!!! They don't call us "Brooklyn's Baddest Champagne Club" for no reason. New Years Eve is our night to shine, dammit. We passed a $400 bottle amongst each other during a fierce round of "who ever stops taking sips has to leave the circle". Then we heard gunfire* and decided to take Champagne Club** indoors.

*most likely fireworks, mom and dad.
** we're really more like a gang. the gunfire came from our rivals, Port Authority (a group of port*** lovers).
*** port is like a heavy kind of wine. i tried it in Portugal once, and i think I liked it. But then again, I haven't had it since. So maybe I didn't like it. This is a fascinating mystery!

new years eve fireworks - spectacular light show or cruel reminder of how lackluster own year has been?

a little bit of both, a little bit of both.

so i just found out something crazy...i have 2 wombs! like this woman.

i really don't. 2 wombs is like, i don't know, 1 womb too many. seriously, 2 wombs is like alien creepy.

something really interesting just happened to me but i can't tell you now. next time i see you, remind me tell you, k?

you know what's really cool?! chairs with wheels. imagine having a whole room with furniture on wheels. you could rearrange entire layouts, in seconds!

today i feel like this.

a slender boiled hot dog, nestled in its bun. speechless. restless.
(googly) eyes always open.

*photo by david shrigley

Potpourri Thoughts #34

FYI: When you Google Image gibbons, Leeza Gibbons comes up on the first page.

Every now and again I thank god my organs are inside my body.

Vagina Etiquette for Starlets

Check out my new DVD!

hey you...

miss you...and i'm sorry for being such a horrible domain owner.

some thoughts:

-Our president pardons more turkeys during Thanksgiving than humans with a death sentence.

- I feel like I never see polka dots anymore.

-Did He-Man take steroids? plus...I miss Orko.

more tk next month!

WM/BM as of 6:03 PM

Worst Moment SO FAR: dealing with unruly bangs
Best Moment SO FAR: nailing the Roger Rabbit during self-imposed 'dance practice' *

*every now and then i go over my dance moves to make sure i still "have it".



HAPPY HALLOWEEN READERSHIP!

BE CONFIDENT IN YOUR COSTUME CHOICE...

IT'S UP TO YOU TO REALLY "SELL IT"!!!!!

WM/BM

for October 25, 2006:

Worst Moment: waking up in the middle of the night with a real itchy throat
Best Moment: qualuudes. jk, a tiny speedball. JK - falling asleep to the Jon Lovitz classic 'High School High'!

Worst Moment/Best Moment

Hi Gang/Self,

I am going to be doing a recurring feature here called Worst Moment/Best Moment. The purpose is to recount both the ultimate peak and lowest valley (aka zenith and nadir) of each day.

I'm trying to slow down time.

Capture...reflect...RECORD!

Enjoy. Be inspired.

OCTOBER 24TH, 2006:

WORST MOMENT: Hands down, diarrhea.
BEST MOMENT: Diarrhea. JK - finding a bathroom.

show stopper!

does she look familiar? hmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmm?

who: a girl with showgirl dreams and hot pink on her side. aka me at age 10
what: jazz dance recital photo
when: circa 1984
why: to commemorate my year long effort at becoming a beginner jazz student
why important: i fucked up all the moves in the actual recital

this bugs me.

was it necessary to anthropomorphize m&ms?

jokesplosion #539

what time is it when you're always impatient?

NOW O' CLOCK!

Trendiest Food Right Now

SPINACH! If you haven't heard, spinach is the hottest salad green to be eating this week. Going home this weekend for the Jewish New Year, that's Rosh Hashana to most, or That Holiday Where You Eat Apples N' Honey for some OR Time To Get Bored in Temple.

Anyway, mom's cookin' up several dishes per my request:

Kosher Chicken Spinach Roll-ups
Gefilte Spinach Fish
Egg Drop Soup with Bits O' Spinach

MMMmmmmMMMMMMM!!!

On a more serious note, I feel bad for Spinach. E. Coli can really ruin a food group.

stay strong - without eating spinach - it's hard, ask Popeye - but just try - for me...

x to the o,

molls-'pinach - reisner

tip #48

If you're carrying a banana in one hand and see somebody on the street who you want to call you - use the BANANA to gesture "Call Me!" instead of your free hand. It just adds that extra (and much needed) layer of humor to the situation.

SO...

I just cleaned out a bag I use all the time, and discovered half a cashew at the bottom. Makes me think how long have I've been givin' this cashew a free ride. Couple weeks? 4 months? Busted, cashew, totally busted.

Stoner Thought #1001

You know you're stoned when you go on your local aquarium's website and you're like, "Omigod! A whole F.A.Q. page about the ocean!!!"

thinkin' about g'raffes

Is it me, or do giraffe's have antennaes?

haven't seen abraham lincoln in the tabs lately. wonder what's goin' on with him. dittos for alan thicke and meredith baxter birney.

occupational thoughts

During the the height of feminism, i wonder if women who hauled garbage used to get up in arms over what they were called. No, we're garbagewomen, right ladies? actually, i've never seen a garbagewoman! but i have seen a postwoman.

question for the panel

Is Godzilla pronounced "Godzeeeya" in Spanish?

when it's raining out, I like to take a shower... so I can be one with nature.

i like to overhear conversations. especially the ones i have with myself.

I'm embarassed to say...

tonight I ate Buffalo Chicken Poppers at TGIF.

Alone.

Please, don't ask! NO!

Okaaayyyy...well, I was walking along 5th avenue in the E. 50's en route to a really cool show by a British comedian Daniel Kitson. It's called Stories for the Wobbly-Hearted and he crafts these tales of loneliness and humanity and humor that are quite compelling.

Anyway, back to the Poppers. As I walked towards TGIF, I thought "hmmm, maybe it's not so bad. It's been awhile, after all." Then I pass the door, changing my mind - there must be a better option in this tony neighborhood. THEN, i turn on my heels, partially out of hunger - mostly out of curiousity - and confidently find myself at a red and white striped table for two, alone.

TG there were no balloons tied to my chair! There were red and white balloons tied to other chairs to create that "random, festive" look.

The menu is long and includes many visuals which only help make me decide what not to get. Some of the menu items are crossed out with a sticker on them saying "Forced into early retirement".

Huh?

It's true.

I guess it's TGIF's attempt at a sense of humor.

Long story longer - I go with the Poppers at a mere $9.99. TG I didn't get the Chicken Strips - that was a cool $14.35. When did this place get so pricey. I mean it! The place was PACKED.

After I left I felt pretty good. Now I know I never need to eat there again. Curiousity satisfied, stomach hurts.

Good PopperNight,

molly

when everything reminds you of someone

ever have one of those days, ya know - THOSE DAYS - when you go outside and all you see are reminders of someone you used to like? ok, so get this - i used to (ya know - USED TO) like this guy and we went out on some dates. ya know - DATES.

so the other day...[pause, look around suspiciously], i go outside [lower voice as if telling a secret] and it's like the world is conspiring to REMIND me, nay, BEG of me to recall a certain someone i'd rather delete from my memory.

for instance:

on one of our dates, we got pizza.

today, i went for a walk, and saw like 14 people eating pizza.

ok, molly, i say to myself. that's a little weird.

then i overhear some dude talking about his band.

okaaayyyy, weird because he loved music.

and the kicker? i'm about to walk in my apartment when i run into him!

or at least i thought it was him - turn out it was another guy with a similar looking t-shirt he used to wear.

man, i think somebody upstairs is trying to tell me something.

practical wishes

i've always been a wisher. 11:11 - i'm on it! birthday candles - done. i even make my own wishes for other people's birthday candles.

but lately...

i don't know.........

i just feel that my wishes are taking too long to come true.

true love?
world peace?
free nachos?

so now i make wishes for things i have total control over! like, in the morning, i'll be getting ready and i'll be like "Dear G-d, please make it so I wear my favorite jeans today. i mean it!!!!!"

WISH COMPLETE.

you should try it sometime. it's not that satisfying.

i can't explain it but...

right now i feel like a washed up ceramics teacher.

or maybe a down n' out millionaire?

i dunno, you tell me how i feel. It might be more accurate!

hair goals

The sad thing is, I have more defined long-term goals for my hair (growing out bangs) then for my life (not sure what's going on).

ending post rampage riiiiiiight...now!

goodnight,
molly

sureally long previews

yesterday i saw a move called "The Breakup". It starred two indie actors, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. I think they're on the verge of breaking out into mainstream stuff pretty soon, based on lots of factors and variables I won't bore you with right now. But before this hidden gem of a movie began, there was the longest preview I ever saw.

How long was it?

Well, it was so long, that for about 7 minutes into it, I was convinced we walked into the wrong movie. There was no clue whatsoever, no climactic music hinting at the peak of the scene, that led you to believe you were watching anything other than the beginning of a full length movie. It was disturbing. My friend was clueless too. I was about to walk out of the theater and query the ticket taker, when finally the voice over guy gave relief. BTW, the preview was for "The Devil Wears Prada" which I no longer want to see based on the preview.

Also, "The Break-up" was pretty bad, but not so terrible that you wouldn't tell your friends not to Netflix it. Jen and Vince aren't a convincing a couple as, say, I don't know, BRAD AND ANGIE?!?!?!?!?!

My motto for life...

LIVE IT!

my current fave expresh

is:

"stop harshing on my mellow"

i've been using it lately with just a smidge of abandon*.

*i just had to google the phrase "with abandon" and "without abandon" to determine which one meant what**

** early alzheimer's

tomorrow's plan

hey guys,

so tomorrow (DO NOT STOP ME!!!) i plan on going to the gym after work. i'm going to go to the gym, yeppers! i'm not just saying it, either. watch out ELLIPTICAL machine - i'm gonna ride you so hard for like 20-35 minutes tomorrow after work while i flip back and forth between E! and MTV. so don't even think of changing up my plan. concrete. after the cardio workout, i then plan to wipe down the machine. THEN, i plan to do some weight training on some limbs (TBD which limbs). probably after that, i'll do some light stretching, really just pull a muscle or two, then walk jauntily home. WHEW! it's like i already worked out just writing about it. STAY STRONG MOLLY! you are definitely going to the gym tomorrow. unless someone invites you out to dinner, preferably nachos. anybody game for NACHOS tomorrow after work? i was maybe gonna go to the gym.

xo,
molly

body evolution

i think our bodies should start evolving to accomodate fashion trends. like babies nowadays should be born with really long lower backs, so their butt cracks don't show when they wear lo-rise jeans. or maybe butt cracks are eliminated all together. i can't think of any other examps right now, but you get the idea. guess i've been seeing a lot of crack lately on the street. it's upsetting.

potpourri #5, shoe thoughts and noise curiousity

i bought 4 pairs of the same sandals. different colors, but wouldn't it be weird if they were all the same exact color? just stockin' up! but now i can rationalize and be like, they're totally different.

here are the colors:

white
bone
champagne
pearl

on a sidenote, my window faces a very strange space between buildings, creating a disturbing vortex of sound. sometimes it sounds like a machine doing something rhythmic, and sometimes it sounds like someone is having an orgasm. it's too much of a pattern for human behavior, so i'm guessing machine over man.

time to catch some yyyyyyyyyys! ooops, i mean ddddddds.


zzzzzzzzzzzzz,
mollzzzzzzzzyyyyyyy

potpourri #4, mostly about balloons

first off, happy mother's day!!

second, helium balloons depress me. they're like that person who always has to seem happy, but it's totally forced. "Hi!!! Things are going well! Yea, I'm doing good!" then, as the helium seeps from their mylar souls, the balloons slowly descend to the ground, until they're just a heap of deflated hopes with curly ribbons gathering dust.

thirdly, goodnight!

fourthly, i like normal balloons. they know when to throw in the towel.

clip up on comedy central

click on title, clickers!

a note-le about chipotle

Guys, I am not even kidding when I say Chipotle has cornered the market in mass-market tacos! In the past 2 days, I've consumed 2x2x2 tacos - do the math!!! It equals 8. Tonight I was flossing - turns out an ENTIRE taco (untouched) was wedged between my canine and whatever the tooth is called next to it. I really should know this since my dad is a dentist (f'realsies!!). I then put the taco in my mouth, chewed properly, aaaaand...scene.

idea for short play:

You: What time is it?

Me: TACO TYME!!!!

You: Stop it. Really, what the f time is it?

Me: CHI-POTES TIIIIME.

You (grab my wrist and look at watch): Wanna get some 'cos?

Me: Nah, not in the mood.

[Audience is stunned that my character doesn't want a taco after all. Scene is meant to be a bit of a cliffhanger and lead into next scene which is all about character's startling change of heart]

AAAAND SCENE*

*written, produced and directed by someone who is obsessed with a certain (shall remain unnamed) hard shelled treat that is on the menu at a certain (shall remain unnamed - I don't want everyone to ruin it) QSR**

** That's Quick Service Restaurant as we say in the food biz***

***biz = business

so...

I feel like mankind let down E.T.

my motto for spring...WAY TO BLOSSOM!!

I went for a walk the other day. The air smelled so nice. I was like "Is that fabric softener?" and then i was like "oh, it's nature!" and then i had nachos.

love,
molly

my knuckles hurt

'cuz all I've been doing lately is knocking on wood. Seriously, last night during dinner my pal and I knocked on wood like 87 times just as a safety precaution. All I can do these days is knock on wood! There's so much at stake.

For example:

Will he call me back? KNOCKIN'!

Will he call you back? KNOCKETY-KNOCKERS!!

And so on...and so forth!

It's tempting to knock on wood for inappropriate things.

For example:

Will my pasta taste good? small knocks

I hope I still fit into my pants from last year. medium-size knocks

I hope Earth lasts. the tiniest of knocks, really just a knocking motion in the air

I hope you all can relate to this train of thought (knock on you-know-what!!!).

love,
molly

right now i'm in puerto rico.

can you tell?

buenos noches mis amores,
molly-cita

p.s. it's really pretty here. i really wish i could show you! i will, when i get back home and upload my photos and import them to this blog, and write captions!

role reversal

I was at Barnes and Noble buying something (aka book) and the woman who rang me up was like "Can I help you sweetie?". She wore a lot of gold chains and her lips were burgundied with lipstick and liner. We made the transaction and then she was like "Have a good night, honey." Normally I would appreciate the sentiments, but the woman was SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD. It was all very confusing.

(tw)in-fighting

When twins fight, I wonder if it feels like they're fighting themselves.

Unrelated, one day i'd like to open a popcorn shop called "Molly's Homeade Original Popcorn Kernel Specialty Store, Selling Only Jars and Jars of Orville Redenbacher"

query to the masses

is it cool to say "don't shoot the messenger!" after you personally insult someone?

let me know,
molly

dancing under the influence (of R. Kelly)

sometimes it's important to have a dance party of one, with a professional photographer on deck to capture the beauty/spontaneity of the moment.

my inspiration:

this is the remix to ignition
hot and fresh out the kitchen
mama rollin that body
got evey man in her wishin
sippin on coke and rum
im like so what im drunk
its the freakin weekend baby
im about to have me some fun

BLOCK PARTY

duuuuudes! me. listen up! i just came back from seeing Dave Chappelle's Block Party. Holy mizz-oly - run and see it. In a theater. This deserves the big screen. A mix of comedy, music and, dare I say, heart? Really cool interactions between musicians, Dave and the people. Dave is a notaried genius.

Inspired!

Here's my contribution to rap:

MC Rei, been all in the media
Even laid verse in Wikipedia

(work in progress)

Also, Lauryn Hill, Jill Scott and Erykah Badu have amazing pipes and really great lip gloss.

Good night,

MC Rei (aka Molly "Knuckles" Reisner)

the sleepover

ever go out with someone, thinking it just might be a date...and then you realize you were horribly misguided? check this out. click on title!

It's Alice!

Hey Peep(s),

This is the Director's Cut of a pilot I did with my cousin, Isaac. Admittedly, the plot is kinda confusing - we know. We're working on a new one. Meet Alice, a twentysomething stoner secretly employed by an elite agency of Super Temps! When she's not filling in for absent surgeons or tardy SWAT Team members, Alice juggles career advice from her busybody roomate, Carla, and a complex relationship with her ex-boyfriend, and current drug dealer, Dylan.

date flashback #1

the worst date i went on was with a guy who smelled like garbage. he said he played music in "subways", and by subways he meant "chinatown on trash night". it took me awhile to reconcile, because he was cute, but he also smelled like sour milk and rotten cardboard. cute cannot trump smell, right? unless...i'm wearing a clothespin on my nose but that seems a bit cartoonish. i didn't fully understand the intensity of the stench until we sat down for a 2 and a half hour movie. At first I was making all kinds of excuses for it - no, maybe it's me. WTF? can't be. gotta be the soda-stained, greasy-fingered movie chair. and, a-nope. then he went to go to the bathroom. and i took a direct hit of his jacket. oh! god! another whiff, just to reaffirm. seriously, WTF?

the rest of the evening consisted of him trying to get closer to me, and me being overly friendly to hide mounting disgust. at the end, i got a stinky hug, and dissuaded him from walking me to the subway. ever agree to something while in your head you already know you are going to do the exact opposite? "sure, yea, let's do lunch during the week! yea, that sounds GUH-REAT!. Yea, give me a call.". but what I really meant was "can you not fucking smell yourself?". long story made longer, brring brring, he calls me up during the workday for our lunch date. being the kind of lady who takes the bull by the horns, i ignored the phone call. I then monitored how many times the phone rang from his number. 3 messages. 8 calls. i felt horrible but justified.


but i did e-mail him - i said i didn't shy away, right? - and promptly lied. yea, i met someone...good luck...soap's good...bye. he was like "i'm so glad you found someone in this crazy city..." but all i'd really found was fresh air.

he was sweet though. in the beginning of our (2 week maaaax) courtship, he would write me really flattering e-mails which kinda weirded me out but i also enjoyed. you can't smell an e-mail, that's for dang sure!! one time he wrote me a song, using my name. that also gave me the heebie jeebies. but, yea, what girl doesn't want a song written about her, even if it's a little creepazoids?

FLASHBACK MORAL: Smell nice. And lying's ok to protect someone's feelings, especially your own.

FIN

*look out for more dating flashbacks!! let me know if you like them! because i'm thinking of compiling these into a fabulous and uplifting book tentatively titled DATING SNIPPETS TO MAKE YOU REALIZE WE ARE ALL ESSENTIALLY ALONE.

blogsphemy!

To anyone who actually checks this thing:

Mainly Me:

I realize this blog is in serious neglect. 2 months. No update?! What?!?!?!?! A shunde! (Shunde = yiddish for 'shame'). There's something else...I'm so sorry to tell you like this in cold, hard computer letters...

I have another blog. It's on myspace. http://blog.myspace.com/mollyreisner It's been so long, I forgot how to link on you. Jesus.

I've only done a couple posts there, but yea, I'm a 2-tymer. But don't feel too bad, I don't think it's gonna last. I don't think I can keep up 1 blog, much less two.

Give me one good reason to stick with you. I will, I swear, I will.

If you're curious about what I've been blogging, blog, you can meet myspace. We can all be friends, right? RIGHT???

yours...forever...

molly

non-seqs

ever say out loud to yourself, "might as well make myself useful around here!" before tackling a chore? like tonight i chuckled at myself and was like "molly, you better earn your keep!", then i did the dishes. that's right folks, i jes' crack m'self up!

why is radio shack still a shack? this store has been around since the dawn of radios. someone's not running the business right.

ok, so i bought a big tube of toothpaste the other day and felt like i had a comittment ceremony with Colgate Spearmint. I am stickin' by this flavor, for like 2-3 months!

?! - love this combo of punctuation. cuz the ? is clearly like "i don't get it? huh?" and the ! is like "totally! i know!" but ?! is something unique. it's like "i'm feeling incredulous?!"

sometimes there are moments when someone's talking and i'm like "FF!"

p.s. FF=fast forward

p.p.s. p.s.=post script

what do you do with your ex's leftovers?

throw them out!

I told someone I l-o-v-e-d their shirt, but i only really l-u-v-e-d it.

important ?

what's up with boys?

dear blog,

another delinquent posting from yours truly, the juvie. how many tears have i cried for you? none. i feel bad i haven't written in a while, but then again, it's not like you've written me either! hey passive-aggressive. ok, well, let's KIT, k? I mean f'reals, not F'FAKES! F'fakes is so '93, I'm over that 'tude, ya know? Hey blog, thanks. For being f'real.

luv,
molls-a-lots

i love signs in different countries. bahamas. conch. goldies. try it. goldie has gold teeth, solid.

revelation

i'd be seriously freaked if someone gave me a lifetime supply of nachos, and it was 4 servings. I'd be like "Um, do you know something I don't?"

guess who's blogging on a saturday night?

God: Just for kicks, I'm gonna put a freaky hole in the sky and see if anyone notices.

me - age 8ish - in my fanciest pac-man related outfit. note the string barrettes and smurf necklace. i love how the pinky belt is creating a waist. remember how those polaroid flashes plugged into the top?

heads up - i'm starting a male cheerleading team. practice takes place in my apartment. white t-shirts will serve as the uniform. must be goal oriented, enthusiastic, and have a winner's attitude.

omg! totally forgot to tell you guys. i had a baby!!! jk, it's my newest nephew, jonah. he's extremely cute, and you know what? he knows it.

you really need to order at THE BAR, OK. GOD!!!!

At the bar tonight, my pals and i sat at a table. the place was empty. the bartender lady comes over and says "if you want drinks, order at the bar since i'm the only one here tonight." UMMMMM, EVEN IF NO ONE IS AT THE BAR? WE KNOW NO ONE IS AT THAT BAR. unless...nah, ghosts don't drink!

reminds me of the shores of coney island (minus roller coaster, debris and lack of mountains).

When I own a house, I will definitely paint pictures of my favorite foods on the side. It will make me excited to prepare or purchase those foods, which I can then eat in the kitchen, inside my house.

totally new look!

i just COMEPLETELY revamped the ol' blog. Had to retype all my entries and comments which kept me real busy tonight. it'd be great if all I had to do was press a button to pick a new template but, ah well.

sunday night potpourri, part 4

Ever be really YOU - you know really ON - to the point where you feel like you're channeling... yourself?

folks, the potpourri is short tonight. i think i'll make it a weekly round-up sort of thing, instead of being so blog-se about it all.

oh, here's something. i don't get when people are so like "NO REGRETS, MAN." and they shake their heads with the wisdom of someone who'se been through it all, and they're like 26. Nooooo regrets. holy shit, sometimes my whole life feels like a festival of regret.

if you're a comedian and reading this, here's a term I made up you might relate to:

JOKESPLOSION.

That's what you call a joke-writing streak.

Use it!!! DO IT.

missed call

Whenevs I get a missed call, I automatically assume it's the person I want most to call me but never has. Sweet hope, inevs disspointment.

I'm starting to shorten words/make up new spellin's to the point where they sound strange even to me.

H to the - elp!

t-shirt idea

What about a t-shirt that says "Bear it, Don't Wear it." The message being, hey, keep your shit together man, stop flooding me with your angst.

sunday night potpourri, part 3

dear blog,

couple things clankin' around before i sign off for the night:

i have a fear that my lava lamp is going to erupt.

tip: don't ride a stationery bike while watching the tour de france. you'll feel like your going nowhere, fast.

the fact of the day from today's snapple lid said "jews are everywhere". it's true! that crazy exodus.

where are my generation's bob newharts?

xo,
molly

batman

guys (hi me!),

i just saw batman. not the real batman - the fictional version. is it my imagination, or does katie holmes look like she had a stroke? discuss (amongst myself!)

g'night,
molly (AKA me)

i'm really sensitive.

Is it weird to feel bad for the 'deleted scenes' on a DVD? Last night I found myself watching them out of pity, I hope they don't find out I fast-forwarded through the boring (all of them) ones!!

it's late

BLOG!!!! Hey. How ARE you'? I keep feeling this nagging sense that I'm disappointing you and you totally have the right to be pissed. I'm like that guy you have a crush on - you know the one - the one who gives you JUST enough to keep you interested. But never more. Checking in every coupla weeks - how you doing - that bullship (I'm trying not to curse). So, my sorries will just keep pouring into the big sorry well of life. Guess what's new? I'm drunk! Not really. This is going to be a really personal entry, my fingers are just tap-tappin' away with no consideration of consequences. JK! I'd never reveal anything too personal on this thing. Lord knows who GOOGLES me. So...I thought I'd solidify some thoughts I've been having.

1) I wonder what bathroom graffiti in a library would look like. Maybe something like: Kim heart F. Scott Fitzgerald!!! Or, maybe...For a good time, read Amy Tan bitch!!! Just wondering.

2) Let's not think about this too much, but I definitely feel a connection to Cameron Diaz. It's like, she's sooooooo goofy! Me too. Plus she digs J. Timbs and, yea, so do I, duh! I actually saw Justin in my work building several years ago. I was carrying my subsidized cafeteria lunch in a cardboard box, walking towards my elevator bank. He whooshed right past me, bodyguards behind me. My heart started beating real fast. I gawked. My heart went palpa (palpitated with lust). I was surprised how tall JT was - about 6 ft of GROOVE. Damn. Was that my chance? So back to Cameron, we're like twins and she knows it! In a way, she copies me. P.S. J.T. and I totally locked eyes - like two tigers.

3) What else can I ramble on...oh! Nothing.

4) Oh! I remember. JK! I'm drunk.

5) One more thing. My friend's grandma turned 95 recently. I told her "Well, you can't say you're in your early 90's anymore!". And I just chuckled up a storm while she asked me to repeat myself.

6) Hey! Good night. Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I'm gonna get? Right now, it'll be 6 hours if I go down instantly.

7) Hey. I'm still up.

8) Ok, this is ret*rded. And pleasing. Blog, a heartfelt goodnight and I'll really try this time...k? Sucker.

heart ya,
molly

P.P.S. because I already had a P.S. up there - just wanted to let you know I feel really complete right now. This is nice. I mean it. Seriousy, jeez!