please don't wear message shirts that make me sad for you

i saw a girl on the train today wearing a shirt that said "overexposed" and i was like "are you? because i've never seen your face before."

other message t-shirts that are depressing:

- i survived the holocaust!
- homeless people do it better.
- ithaca is gorges.

happy thursday fanbase! and a special shout-out to my manbase (my male fans i can only assume i have. hi dad!)

british lurrrrve,
molly

a complete lie or failure to achieve goal OR a pretty funny joke if intended as such - click on me

your lucky june 13th awaits you in the below triple post!

so guys - this is my 3rd post today. I'VE NEVER POSTED THIS MUCH IN MY LIFE! if you're an avid mollyreisner.blogspot reader such as myself, then you understand that blogging happens so preciously little. i've decided to give my readers a gift today...enjoy .

all my love (though i don't have that much to give),
molly

it's time for real time thoughts! that just happened! like, now!!

guys,

i just took a big whiff of my hair and stated to my living room "I'm glad I'm clean!"

is that weird?

be honest...i can take it. in small amounts.

love n' stuff,
molly

TATER POTS!

tater pots!
tater pots!
perfect for growing your favorite herb.
tater pots!
tater pots!

the tater pot with that "you know what I'M growing" wink is my favorite. Yeah, i KNOW what you're growin' tater! it looks like basil or maybe mint.

the tater pot with the open smile just diarreahed and feels incredible relief!

and the tater pot with the yellow legs is depressed but trying to be brave.

tater pots!
tater pots!
let's be friends.

love,
molly

reluctant gum-giving: a photo series

these are all the various stages of reluctance i go through when i give away my last piece of gum. i try to keep it to myself.

new website!!

if you're like me, A BLUE SKY THINKER, you probably have a running list of amazing ideas such as figuring out a way to make your favorite foods float around you at all times.

if you're like me, SOMEONE WITH MEDIOCRE TO POOR FOLLOW-THROUGH, then you probably don't do much to make those ideas a reality.

So check out my new website: www.someoneelsedothis.com where I will post my ideas for a productive person to seize upon! Problem is I need someone else to create this website for me.

an open letter to honeybees (everywhere)

dear honeybees,

where ya at? i read on the cnn.com that you guys are playing a global game of "we're disappearing at an alarmingly rapid rate with no explanation why."

come back! we need you. and not just for the selfish reasons of wanting you to pollinate flowers and plants so we can continue eating:

HONEY



FRUIT IN GENERAL



ALL KINDS O' NUTS


we miss your "can-do" personality that subsequently allows us to eat apples, nuts, avocados, soybeans, asparagus, broccoli, celery, squash, cucumbers, citrus fruit, peaches, kiwi, cherries, blueberries, cranberries, strawberries, cantaloupe and other melons.

we love you honeybees! you're a true talent, especially at the "providing food for humans" thang! we will never take you for granted again (until we find a way to create these foods without your help.)

we've organized a welcome back pollinating party for when you return! free honeybee-sized ipods for you too! music really helps the honeybee work-a-day go much faster.

also, no need to be embarrassed about your sudden disappearance. if it was a heroine bender or whatever, we are here for YOU!

much love and need,

molly

april 17 - the highs and the lows

i'm not even gonna introduce it. oh no! i think i just did.

oh heckles be jeckles! let me get a little more formal then ...

(violently clears throat)

ladies and gentlegayfolk,

here below it is my pleasure to share with you the below record-breaking all-time best and worst moments of my day.

BEST: having a liberating "i can change my life if i want to!" kind of feeling for a couple hours in a row

WORST: being paralyzed by a "I can change my life if i want to." kind of feeling for a couple hours in a row

sweet dreams readership!

molly

guess who's blowing into town?

my old buddy- THE NOR'EASTER!!!!

is anyone scared?

don't be. Nor'Easter might lift up your body and slam it into a tree, but she doesn't mean it.

Nooooooooooooooooor'Easter!

No-no-don't-blow-me-into-a-treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

if you are frightened by Nor'Easter I've set up a shelter at my home. Provisions include:

Guitar Hero (2 player)
Homeade popcorn
A viewing of Britney Spears' debut film, Crossroads
Minute by minute updates of Noreastie
Spotty internet access
A viewing of Britney Spears last HBO special
Pure fear
Dancing


Come!

love,
molly

Breaking News...guess who won Guitar Hero II on MEDIUM!?!?!?!?!

Thanks.

It was a harrowing, passionate rendition of Free Bird that launched me into Guitar Hero status. Now I can legitimately offer guitar (hero) lessons if I'm ever down n' out!

it's march 20th!

it's so hard to find up to the minute celeb news. between tmz, perez and pink - i just don't feel like i'm covering all my bases. thank g-d i subscribe to us weekly!

best moment today: eating 2 desserts, both chocolate, spaced about 2 hours apart

worst moment today: hmmm...it was a really good day. maybe...nope. okay, if i HAD to pick one then it'd be putting my cat to sleep.

night!

love,
me (aka molldred (my full name) )

no events scheduled

hey fans,

it's kinda lame i have no shows booked. if you miss my jokes, i've started a 1-900 number where you can here me LIVE tell you a special joke. Choose from such topics as:

dating
work
pillows suffocating you
being jewish
weed
the alphabet...AND SO MUCH MORE!

1-900-mol-jokes. It's 24 hugs a minute. You have to hug me (like you mean it) 24 times for every 60 seconds of joke telling I deliver. I want to hear my special 1-900 phone ding-a-ling!

yours,
molly

3,000 visitors!!!!

So my sitemeter says I am 2 people away from having 3k visitors to ye olde blog. WOW!!!!*

keep on readin',
love not luv,
molly

*2800 are from me

guitar heroine

Hey Gang,

If you are having trouble getting a hold of me, it's because I have this really big gig in Detroit Rock City and need to practice a sh*tload.

Peace,
Judy Nails

Seriously, guys, I am turning into a 13 yo boy. I bought a PS2 just for guitar hero. No jo-joke.

upside: My air guitar is so on point these days as a result.
downside: nothing forseeable. maybe the streaming fretboard of colored notes constantly running through my mind as I try to fall asleep. A smidge of carpal tunnels.

tags: woodwork, coming out of, secret, love, molly, terrorists

if you are scared to let me know you are harboring a deep, secret crush on me - i just wanted to take the time to let you know that it's cool and if you are feeling shy or whatever - that's cool but i would love to know who you are...and you know who you are...and v-day is right around the corner and wouldn't this be the perf time to reveal your paralyzing, soul-obsessed crush on yours truly? seriously, feel free to e-mail with the blow-by-blow account of how much you adore me and i promise a personal response.

is it weird to constantly refer to oneself as "yours truly"?

for those of you who are harboring terrorists and NOT secret crushes on Yours Truly, please do not fill me in on the specifics.

if you are harboring both - let's talk.

love YOU...

maybe.....?

mol

p.s. see above for what i look like in case you forgot

let 'em know where you stand

above please find the latest pattern from Vans. are you pro-leaf pattern or anti? don't believe all those jokers who say this is the gateway shoe. i might need to get a pair, ya know, for the weekend.

I wish Trader Joe's was like an old-timey trading post where you could bring in anything for a trade. Below are some comparable trades:

1 Gin Blossom's CD (unscratched!!) = bag of TJ walnuts
4 batik wall hangings (circa 1995) = bar of tea tree oil soap
1 J. Crew hunter green anorak (circa 1988) = bottle of TJ special reserve merlot

or I guess I could just donate the stuff.

champagne and my secret life

Last night after seeing amazing, epiphany inducing new years eve fireworks (see below entry), my pals and I uncorked a big one - champagne bottle that is...hee hee (don't know why i'm hee hee'ing but it feels appropriate)...and WE DRANK RIGHT THERE ON THE SIDEWALK!!!! They don't call us "Brooklyn's Baddest Champagne Club" for no reason. New Years Eve is our night to shine, dammit. We passed a $400 bottle amongst each other during a fierce round of "who ever stops taking sips has to leave the circle". Then we heard gunfire* and decided to take Champagne Club** indoors.

*most likely fireworks, mom and dad.
** we're really more like a gang. the gunfire came from our rivals, Port Authority (a group of port*** lovers).
*** port is like a heavy kind of wine. i tried it in Portugal once, and i think I liked it. But then again, I haven't had it since. So maybe I didn't like it. This is a fascinating mystery!

new years eve fireworks - spectacular light show or cruel reminder of how lackluster own year has been?

a little bit of both, a little bit of both.